Love Advice, Love, Emma

It's been a hot minute since I did one of these entries. I told myself (and you all) that I was going to make Wednesdays advice days, but what I've discovered so far about myself and my writing is that it can't really be planned and pre-determined. My brain and fingers are just one, big wildcard. You never know when they're going to come together to spawn some genius. Like every red-blooded, half-crazy, American girl, I love to dish out advice but never take my own. So, with that said, I'm going to answer some advice questions on here today first with a facial reaction, then with an actual answer.

Question 1.

I just turned 27 and…I realized that in order to dip back into the dating pool and have a successful relationship, I need to be completely confident and happy with myself, which is something I've been working on this year.

Nearly all my friends are now engaged, married, or in serious relationships. The issue is that my mom constantly reminds me of this and of how I am approaching the big 3-0, so I NEED to be out dating because by the time I'm in my 30s, all hope will be lost of finding someone.

I know she wants me to be happy and is trying to help, but the constant pressure from her to be in a relationship really bothers me. Is she right that I am wasting time and should be putting myself out there as much as possible in order to be in a relationship?

emma's thing

Oh? Yeah? Is she saying that? Is she? No, no. That's fine. Let me ask you this incredibly important question that will probably tell me all I need to know: is your mother Jewish/Baptist/Any sort of extreme stereotype in any way when it comes to religion and/or nationality? If you answered "yes," then this is why your mom is being insane. Let me tell you something - people aren't just saying that marriage and the whole nine yards is happening later and later just because they feel like saying it. Of course there will always be those who are all like " long live young marriage and young everything!" but there's an equal amount of individuals who are doing the rest of us a favor by holding strong in their stance of "late blooming." You see, I myself am Jewish. And for a long time, my mom was like yours - a little too hellbent on me having it all figured out by a certain age. Moms have plans for you that, 9 times out of 10, aren't cohesive with your own plans. Now, if your mom has any shred of "cool" in her, she will snap to and realize that she's being an asshole and only making it worse for you by acting as your own personal ticking clock. There is nothing wrong with being where you are right now in life (BECAUSE I'M THERE TOO SO HOW COULD THERE BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT?). You sound smart and your mom sounds wenchy. Slap that hoe into place or I'll do it for you. You do you, babyboo. You do you.

Question 2.

A few years ago I moved to Boston from the South. Fast forward, I've now settled into Boston, have a great group of friends, going back to school again for a different career, and am now dating a wonderful guy who's getting his PhD and graduating in a few years. A few days ago, we had a conversation where we'd be in a few years, and told me that he'd be applying for jobs around the US… it worries me because I'd have to uproot my life here in Boston. I know this probably won't happen until 2 or 3 years down the road, but how do I let him know of my concerns? Do I need to start thinking about whether this might be deal breaker? I'd hate to have to let him go (since I'm in love with him), but what do you suggest?

emma's thing

I mean. This seems like a no-brainer to me? One has to outweigh the other, right? You either can't bear the thought of leaving this life you've created for yourself in Boston, or you can't imagine living this life you've created for yourself in Boston without this boyfriend and you'll go wherever he goes (way up high or down low, you'll go wherever he will go). To me, this choice is very simple. If this man is "the one," you're gonna need to figure out how to be okay moving with him to wherever he may find a new job. If you love him, but can easily picture yourself carrying on without him around, then that answers that. Right? Am I being too simple about this? I don't think I am. As grandmother Willow would say, listen with your heart - you will understand. Also, pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd. She wouldn't say that, but Ben Affleck might.

Question 3.

I have been dating a woman for months and we've been exclusive for weeks. We met online.

However, a few weeks ago I was at her place and took a nap. When I woke up, she had her laptop open and quickly closed it. She didn't move fast enough, and I could see she was on I discovered her profile is not hidden and she has been active on the site.

I brought this up to her, and she admitted to the profile being up, but promised she never initiated contact with anyone. I suspect it's an attention thing. I think some women like the attention? Aside from this little bump, our relationship is flourishing.

emma's thing

Look, everyone likes attention from the opposite sex. It's great. But once you've found someone who's willing to give you ALL their attention like ALL the time, then the need for extraneous attention should be dwindled down to a barely recognizable anything. This girl sounds like a Match addict - a MADDICT, if you will (and you will). Why in the world would she feel the need to remain on a dating website once she's found a suitor who speaks to and sexes her up in person? Riddle me that. You can't, because it's a dumb riddle and an obvious answer. And the fact that she was perusing her shit while you were napping? That's just dirty. The bitch can't even stay away from it long enough to make sure you're not within the same vicinity. If you want to draw this argument out further, think about how this is no different from random dudes you don't know blowing up her phone when you guys are hanging out together. Take away the curtain of that she hides behind, and replace it with a cell phone. It's the same damn thing. Also, as a social experiment, you should fire YOUR Match profile back up and see how she likes it when you're shopping for flirtation while she naps in the bed next to you. How much would you like to bet on her throwing a total fit? YEAH. THAT'S WHA T I THOUGHT.

Question 4.

I met a wonderful, age-appropriate single man (60+), who I have become non-romantically close with. We are emotionally very intimate and I would love it to be more. He tells me he doesn't want to date me, but when pushed tells me he is attracted to me and can't seem to give me a clear answer. He calls often, we always have a wonderful time together, and I tease him about his boundaries. I know this could be something right. What do I do?

 emma's thing

60+? He sounds like a 60+ hipster weirdo who wants to use you for his emotional baggage and nothing more. There's nothing worse than asexual hipster weirdo, so my advice to you is GIT RID.

Question 5.

I recently had a short fling on a trip with a guy who, while unhappy with his girlfriend who he's been living with for 10 years, will not split up with her. He has cheated on her twice (there was one before me).

He says he's been obsessing about breaking up with her for a year now, discussed it

But I would have never agreed to sleeping with him had I known it was just a side-step. I am not "the other woman." It was done on the explicit understanding that he would, to use his words, "uncomplicate his life".

 emma's thing

Oh? Yeah? He said it would "uncomplicate" his life by sticking his P into your V? What a smart guy. Because I think we can ALL agree that sex makes things a lot simpler. If you're ever questioning something in your life or wondering whether or not you should break up with someone after 10 years, the obvious answer is to bone someone else. Sex doesn't mean much and it makes things very black and white. On another note, YOU'RE STUPID AND SO IS THIS "MAN." I PUT IT IN QUOTATIONS BECAUSE HE'S CLEARLY NOT A MAN. Hey, great job on aiding and emBEDding a fucking cheating asshole (pun INTENDED). He's been pondering a break up for a year? Has he really? Let me tell you something about men and breakups: if they're a man, like a real man, they'll distance themselves for about a week or so before ripping your heart clean out of your chest and shitting on it and then it's over. If it's done any other way (dragged out, cried over for long periods, hour-long analytical conversations), they have a vagina. I hate this man and you. Good-bye.

Question 6.

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year now. Our relationship has had its bumps, having always been long-distance, but when we're together we're both so happy. He's never been good at being romantic. For past holidays and special occasions, he hardly did anything.

It was my birthday and he did nothing but wish me a happy birthday. His birthday was just days before mine. I drove seven hours to see him.

Christmas is just around the corner. I got him a gift I'm sure he'll like, but I'm worried that I'll be disappointed again. These unsure feelings take all the joy out of gift giving/receiving. What do you think?

 emma's thing

What do *I* think? I think your boyfriend is a dick. There are too many horrible gift-givers and non-sentimental guys in the world - don't be another girl who enables it. For your birthday, the day you were born, the day your vagina came into this world, the vagina you let him touch, he wished you a happy birthday as a gift? I mean, are you high? Do you smoke meth on the reg? Are you a crackhead? Do you know where I could score some? JK. If he's this daft and selfish about celebrations, I can't imagine how he is about everything else in life. "Oh. Your dog died? Sux." "Yay, we just had a baby." "Our daughter's getting married. Kewl." This dude sounds boring, underwhelming, and basically like a bump on a turd log. Am I being too harsh? Too bad. I'd rather be too much of something than too little of anything.

Question 7.

I met this guy at work and we quickly developed a great friendship. After some time, though, he would send me messages that hinted that he had feelings for me. I kept pushing it off because I had just gotten out of a four-year relationship and wasn't sure if I wanted another one, but I finally gave in and decided to see what would happen. After a few days of talking about our feelings, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

After a couple of days he invited me over to meet his family. Once again, before I went over, I asked him if he was sure, and his response was yes. After that, things seemed to be going well (we went on a couple of dates, he told me he hasn't felt strongly about someone in a really long time and that I made him very happy), until the other night when he said he wanted to talk. He proceeded to tell me that he felt things were moving too fast, that he's not sure what he's doing, and that it's not me, it's him. He literally used every excuse he could think of. I mean, he was the one to instigate every situation. Every time that I wasn't sure about something, he would seem very sure, but it turns out he wasn't so sure after all. What could he be thinking? It's really bothering me because I feel led on. What should I do?

emma's thing

OH. OH? OH OKAY. What should you do? Hmmm. Well, you have some options. You can:

A) tell him off at the office, publicly.

B) tell him off not publicly, but still tell him off.

C) be a little bitch.

As far as I'm concerned, those are your three options. Listen, honey, we've all been there and done that. It's unfortunate when you're conned, but the truth is, there are a lot of incredibly persuasive con men out there. They lure you in with the promise of "don't worry, it'll be great" and "UGH I'VE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE!" and then, just as quickly, they freak the fuck out of themselves, panic, and tell you things have moved too fast and their brain hurts from having to process real, human emotion. Here's a golden rule I've learnt (yeah, I said learnt) over the years and through my experiences: if things are too intense too quickly, ring the alarm. Men will come for you if they want you, but the good men - the ones who aren't con men - will come for you slowly, with steadfast conviction. Or something like that. I don't know - it sounded smart.

That's all I can handle today. People are stupid. I'm not, though.