I Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident

A list of everyday truths, if you will. 1. I don't care that baby carrots aren't "actual carrots." Because they ARE actual carrots. They're just carrots cut up into smaller pieces. Why is there such an uproar about this not-surprising-at-all revelation?

2. Family Guy is hilarious.

3. Men who have cats and are obsessed with those cats are uncomfortable and make me nervous.

4. People will try and tell you stats on your "perfect list" are ridiculous. But if you love craft beer and he doesn't even like normal beer, you're allowed to be turned off and walk away from the situation.

5. Being able to get away with wearing full-ass underwear for an entire work day is the best.

6. Same goes for getting away with going braless all day.

7. For as long as I live, I will have raging lady boners for Walgreens and upscale kitchen good stores (i.e. Sur La Table). There's just something about aisles full of medicine and countertops strewn with colored spatulas that does it for me.

8. I consider myself and my entire day a failure if I get anything less than 20 likes on an Instagram picture. This happened on Sunday and I don't want to talk about it.

9. When a woman’s teeth are freshly whitened, her mustache is perfectly bleached, and all of last week’s blemishes have cleared up – get the fuck out of her way.

10. I've never known what it is to be a heavy sleeper and I probably never will.

11. No matter how old I get, making out is always the best.

12. Day drinking is hard and dinner never helps. You think it's gonna soak it all up and put you to bed like a baby, but really it'll just make you vomit and amplify the already known fact that you're not good at day drinking anymore.

13. Every girl has had the passing thought "what if I have been pregnant before but never knew because it lasted for a day?"

14. One day, a girl will own her curves. The next day, she'll think she's too thin. The next day, she'll cry because she feels huge. The next day, she'll say fuck it all and order pizza. Every day, women are insane.

15. Vegetables are best enjoyed when dipped in ranch. Stop lying to yourself and others.

16. The only way I'm able to consistently drink the professionally recommended amount of water on a daily basis is via water bottles. Sorry. I know it's shitty for the environment, but some offices don't have super accessible water setups. Go ahead, judge me - but brb, 'cause I gotta pee for the 28th time today.

17. When someone, male or female, says "Oh yeah! That's cute!" to approve of a just-taken group photo, they're not saying the picture itself is cute. They're saying they only looked at themselves within the picture and think they look cute, so it's okay to post. No one is considering how anyone else looks in a group photo besides themselves - ever.

18. We all have that one bit or joke we use as a gauge against someone's sense of humor. If they laugh, they're in. If they don't, a small part of you will always question their motives.

19.  I will do laundry. And hang laundry. And dry laundry. But never will I ever happily put away laundry.

20. It's amazing how one day, I feel I could go with never speaking to my family again, and the next day, I literally don't know how I would function without them.

21. Moroccan Oil is God's gift to curly-haired girls who use crunchy hair products. Get learnt.

22. Flour tortillas are better than corn, just like a rice bowl is better than a salad with some rice, just like red meat is better than white meat, just like ice cream in a cone is better than in a cup, just like Cinnamon Chex is pretty legit but it's still not Cinnamon Toast Crunch, just like a cupcake is better than a Special K fake dessert.

23. Bacon is good, but it's not everything.

24. Bagels are everything.

25. One of the worse situations a human can find themselves in is being overheated and fresh out of cold spots in the bed.

26. Private Instagram accounts are not only rude, but also worthless.

27. A girl with blonde hair and dark brows knows what's up.

28. Anne Hathaway is truly the worst and I won't hear differently. Over zealous, all the world's a stage theatre nerd disguised as a Hollywood actress. Cannot.

29. To the verbally assertive, overtly sexual males: sometimes, yes - I want you to f**k or I want to be  f**ked. But also sometimes, I like to just have sex or even (GASP!) make love.

30. For whatever reason, other smart phones are starting to look insanely sexy to me and I find myself fantasizing more and more about calling it quits with iPhone. Is this just a phase? It's normal to stray a bit in long-term relationships, right?

30. I'll show this to my children to explain my upbringing:


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