25 Years of Seinfeld
This past Saturday, the greatest sitcom that ever was or ever will be had itself a little milestone. 25 years have come and gone since the premiere of Seinfeld. On July 5, 1989, TV was forever changed and the fate of my existence to turn into the woman I've become was determined for me before I had the chance to form full sentences. I was two. Two-fucking-years-old, guys. I had no idea what this show was going to do to shape my personal identity from age 18, onward. But oh has it. The things I learned from Seinfeld will transcend time and space for the rest of my life, because content that relatable is never and will never be dated. Thus, I give you:
The 25 Things I Learned From Seinfeld
1. People are the worst. I didn't really need Seinfeld to teach me this, I've always known it. But to hear verification re: your outlook on most humans out of the mouth of your two idols only drives the point home further.
2. I'm not the only human who wishes there was a way to achieve the three best things about life via one, insurmountable, orgasmic experience: The Trifecta. Food, TV, and sex all at once, all as equally pleasurable as the other. George attempted and actually succeeded briefly until he got greedy with TV. I still think it can be done with the right person, the right Netflix binge, and the right Thai delivery joint.
3. No one actually enjoys intimate get togethers. There's a lot of pressure and a lot of wasted energy spent figuring out what to bring. A liter of Pepsi isn't acceptable, but neither is chocolate baklava. Cinnamon will do, though. It's a slippery slope that could end up with cookie-induced vomit and a plethora of broken alcohol bottles. Look to the cookie!
4. Saying "Bless you!" is so awkwardly pointless after someone sneezes. There are endless other statements that could be said after one exhibits sternutation. I was reminded of this the other day when I sneezed, and a cubemate exclaimed, "You are soooooo good looking." If we all just made it a point to make this a thing, it could be a thing.
5. Parents keeping their homes at a stifling, uncomfortably warm temperature is a universal truth. And, lucky me, it's not just retired parents. It's middle-aged parents who live in Texas and keep the A/C on 78, complaining that it's "freezing!" if turned even one notch lower.
"Mrs. Seinfeld. Please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on."
6. Seinfeld first addressed the whole "taking your shirt off while pooping" issue. Yes, they portrayed it as semi-odd and ended it with extreme embarrassment for George, but in reality, they were just trying to comfort the masses. Getting half undressed or fully undressed to do your thing is no weirder than any freaky sex fetish out there. AMIRIGHT?
7. People who eat their peas one-by-one are weird.
8. A woman who is better than a man at chess is a turn-off.
9. If ever offered a taste of pie, take it. Don't just sit there and shake your head. You'll look like a psycho.
10. This is normal behavior. Always has been, always will be. This taught me the freedom of not GAF.
11. When in desperate need of a comeback and you're emptied of wit, the line is always Jerk Store. Go with Jerk Store. Jerk Store is the line. Jerk Store.
12. No matter how badly I feel the incessant need to enter a local, failing eatery and help out by dining there with friends, I'll never do it. I'm not trying to ruin lives and get people deported.
13. Believe it or not, George's answering machine is still something I consider replicating on my own voicemail every single day. I fear it could turn potential employers off, but then again, I fear more the joy I'd feel upon the right person hearing it, loving it, and knowing it. "Believe it or not, I'm not homeeeeeeee!"
14. Rental car services have been screwing up reservations forever, yet they claim they're doing their job. They know how to take the reservation, sure. Anyone can take them. But they don't know how to hold the reservation.
15. When it comes time for my sofaroffinthefutureicanteven wedding, I will be sure to have saved enough money that I can purchase expensive envelopes. No cheap envelopes EVER.
16. It's important to really feel out a relationship before you agree to a fake marriage in order to get a discount on dry cleaning. What was once a light-hearted, exciting courtship will suddenly turn sour over can openers. She'll ask, "What happened to us?" And you'll say, "We got married."
17. Men - having trouble, ahem, performing? Mango is your answer.
18. Seinfeld provided me with a Halloween costume not once, not twice, but three times in my adulthood. I mean, GET OUT!
19. Elaine also taught me how to dance.
20. Job interviews are terrible no matter what. If you have one you're completely unprepared for, but your friend provides you with some good bullshit to use, use it. Talking about Billy Mumphrey's unbridled enthusiasm could almost be enough to land you the job. That is, unless, you indirectly rack up a massive hotel bill on your potential employer's dime.
21. An affair with Marisa Tomei is hardly worth the web of import/export lies you have to weave. Quit the importing and focus only on the exporting or vice versa? And what are we exporting? Matches? Diapers? Some corn? It's just too much to keep up with.
22. Girls masturbate, too. Yes, to pretty boys like JFK June-YAH, but they do it nonetheless.
23. I'm not gay. Not there's anything wrong with that!
24. These are the types of friends everyone wishes they had. I've been greeted like this maybe once in my life, which is hardly enough. This image is just so... magical.
25. Just remember, everyone: It's not a lie, if you believe it.
Happy 25th, Seinfeld. You are truly the love of my life.