I Can't

I can't... break my love for Splenda. I've tried, I really have. I've been using plain sugar in my coffee for months on end now. But with each passing morning, I loathe my coffee more and more. And what's the start of a day without looking forward to your first cup of coffee? People say regular sugar tastes better in coffee - I say no. No it does not.

I can't...

be expected to squeegee my shower doors every single time I shower. I don't think that's fair of myself to expect from myself. Yes, it looks better when done. And no, no one likes a spotty, dirty-looking, glass shower door. But I'm freshly clean, and kinda cold, and just want to grab my towel and GTFO of the shower.

I can't...

seem to learn my lesson with hangnails. I'm 27. I should know by now to not bite or tear them off because it only hurts like a bitch, makes it worse, and sometimes there's blood... but I still do it.

I can't...

handle when my home smells like food. I love food. I cook food. I love cooking food. But, if one or even two candles aren't immediately lit following the conclusion of eating said cooked food, I am not a happy camper cooker. Sauteed garlic and onions? Delicious! Now, GET IT OUT OF HERE. Homemade tacos? Love me some cumin, but I'm done eating SO ONLY FLORAL AND DRIFTWOOD SCENTS ALLOWED (p.s. best candle ever in "Whipped Cream and Pear")

I can't...

sleep unless my bedroom essentially mimics an igloo and myself and Cece mimic an Eskimo and her pet bear cub, which has resulted in astronomically expensive electric bills this summer. Also, maybe because it's as hot as Satan's taint after a Crossfit session outside.

I can't...

explain my impossibly high threshold for suntanning. Most of my lighter-skinned friends demand that a pool lie within feet of their sun-soaked bodies if their about to get their tan on, but I am somehow able to sit on my back deck, in the dead heat of the day, and not once feel the longing sensation for a quick dip. You say skin cancer, I say I use 30 SPF, douchebag.

I can't...

I mean, REALLY CAN'T, on this one. People who leisurely climb into their car in the middle of a crowded parking lot or garage, and just sit there. Just climb on in, sit right down, and don't immediately back out of said spot. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Are you high? Are you a monkey? Did your mother never teach you the basics of parking spot etiquette? If it's the middle of the day at a grocery store, and parking spots are as wide open as a whore's legs, fine. But if you were #blessed enough to secure a parking spot in a popular area before the crowd started pouring in, you might be a sociopath if you're not making it a point to GTFO of that parking spot as soon as you're ready to leave the area. I don't care if you were in the middle of a text. I don't care if you need a minute to sync your Bluetooth so you can blare Sam Smith upon exiting the spot. I don't care if you just got an upsetting call and you're trying to compose yourself. BACK. THE. FUCK. OUT. NOW. You are rude and wrong and all I can hope is that someone makes you wait five minutes for a spot one day, you sorry excuse of a human.

I can't...

with Essie.

I can't...

with OPI.

I can't...

with Revlon ColorStay.

I can't...

with gel nails.

I can't...

with any of it because it all sucks and it all wears off and it all chips and it's all not worth the money you're paying to get someone to paint it on your nails for you. Just do it yourself and be ready to do it again in five days. And then again five days after that. And again in five days after that. And so on and so forth.

I can't...

not eat breakfast anymore, guys. It's finally happened. I've finally trained my poor, neglected body to deal with breakfast and throw a hissy fit when it doesn't happen. I used to be a "coffee only" type of breakfaster, but upon finding a few fail-safe breakfast recipes that I can actually enjoy and not choke down, I'm a convert (those words are linked to those few fail-safe breakfast recipes, btw).

I can't...

no. I really REALLY can't with this. Happy Tuesday:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT47xSoKv9M

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