Stranded Island Survival Crate
It's been a go-to question since someone created the idea of the "date" or the "would you rather" type of question games:
What would you want with you on a deserted island?
That parent question has since had a lot of casual sex with other questions and reproduced all sorts of offspring questions:
Which food would you not get sick of on a desert island?
Which movies would you bring with you on a desert island?
If you could only bring one person, who would you take with you... to a desert island?
The answers people give you are sometimes a good get-to-know you gage for what you're dealing with.
So, when Man Crates contacted me via electronic mail, wondering whether or not I'd like to talk about myself, I was all "I would totes take you guys on the desert island with me. But don't tell my mom. She'll send me a two-page email/text about how ungrateful I am and claim she wants to hear nothing about our trip, but then beg me for details upon our return."
So the question remains: If I, Emma, found myself stranded on a deserted island in the middle of god knows where, looking like god knows what, thinking things only god would know, what sort of items would make me defecate on myself with joy if I were to receive them?
Item 1: Pampers Sensitive Wipes. Why? Because sand is gonna get in places and smells are gonna happen in other places, and the only thing the nearest body of water is going to do is most likely coat your skin in a grimy paste if this desert island is a typical one. These wipes would be everything to my survival, because a girl who doesn't feel she smells good is much quicker to give up on life than a girl who knows she smells decent to great. With clean nether regions and a clear face, this girl will lead the charge on cracking open coconuts, Tom Hanks style. But without such, I'll just hang back and act real jumpy if anyone comes within a certain range of me. Wipe up, wipe down, wipe all around - Pampers Sensitive Wipes.
Item 2: A vibrator. Why? To work out the knots in my upper shoulders, duh. No, but seriously - because WHY NOT? You're stuck there alone. No man, no woman, no nothing. Chances are you have the kind of dirt and grim gathered under your fingernails that, if fully exposed, would give you nightmares the rest of your life. This small, totally inconspicuous, bullet-shaped miracle will save you from so much: Boredom. Depression. Your inopportune libido. I mean, who knows how long I'm gonna be stuck on this island? I need full-proof entertainment at my disposal, and I'll be damned if that's not what this beautiful specimen of vibrating goodness doesn't provide.
Item 3: A top of the line air mattress. Why? Although I'm sure I wouldn't be doing much sleeping on a desert island, what with being alone in a vast wasteland of sand and trees and more than likely some sort of black smoke monster lingering just beyond the forest, for the times I was able to lay down and CTFO, an air mattress would be key. I'm not trying to be all cutesy by building a wonky, makeshift pallet complete with sand crawling into crevices I couldn't reach without the help of a doctor. If I'm stuck out here, I want the nicest, best, most reliable air mattress on the market. I'm already going to be overcome with a slew of psychological problems upon leaving said deserted island, so the last thing I need will be back problems from lack of supportive sleep accommodations.
Item 4: Strawberry Chapstick. Why? Well, firstly, because cherry Chapstick is sickening and a joke. Secondly, because competing lip nourishing companies can continue to roll out new, exciting, sexy products (see: Esos), but at the end of the day, Chapstick reigns queen. It's like that super old, oversized, worn-in marbled grey sweatshirt that you continuously go back to, even after you've purchased new loungewear that you swore to yourself you would give a chance. But, day after day, that new hoody or new pair of sweatpants sits, unworn, while you almost robotically throw that perfect old sweatshirt over your head. That's what Strawberry Chapstick is to me. My home is littered with lip moisturizers of every single variety - tubes, pots, sticks, balls. But it's the Chapstick I always return to and that my sanity would need on that island.
Item 5: ALL THE CHIPOTLE. Why? I've been eating Chipotle since the ripe age of 16. In 11 years, I have never once grown tired of the white rice, the steak, the black beans, the red sauce, the green sauce, the corn, the (little bit of) cheese, the (just a little) sour cream, or the lettuce. Not once. My love for Chipotle runs so deep, I often crave it after I've just eaten a full meal. To me, it's like a dessert. Writing about it right now, I have a bit of a lady boner and a small flutter of butterflies. It is my everything. All that said, the entirety of a standard Chipotle assembly line would need to arrive within my survival crate or I wouldn't last eight hours.
So, there you have it! My ideal survival crate of goods were I ever to find myself in the classic, hypothetical debacle of being stranded on a desert island. P.S. Be sure to check out Man Crates. It's no secret men are pretty much the worst category of person to shop for, but Man Crates has solid ideas and personalized gifts that might just make your next gift-giving experience a bit less anxiety-inducing.