Sam Smith Sole Cause of Pregnancy Increase
(emmasthing) -- New reports have just recently popped up like a prairie dog in heat, showing a direct correlation between Mr. Smith's ballads and increased pregnancy in 2014. In data collected over the course of Sam Smith's newly budding career, then tossed together in a really intricate computer system that can sort out that specific kind of data, people involved in finding results discovered an almost 50% increase in ladies of all cultures and residencies getting knocked up.
"We haven't seen an influx of pregnancy like this since Boyz II Men's 'II' album release in '94," said a baby-making music expert. "We thought the number of babies conceived after the drop of 'I'll Make Love To You' was ground-breaking, but it nearly doubled since 'Latch' was brought to bedsides."
Many new Smith fans had little to no idea the angel's vocals first appeared on Electronic Dance Music duo Disclosure's latest album. Even more mind-blowing? It's the same beloved "Latch" single, just turnt up with dancy beats as opposed to Smith's stripped down version that makes a listener want nothing more than unadulterated, meaningful, impossibly romantic sex.
"I never planned on getting pregnant. I didn't want to be a young mom," claimed a vulnerable and confused, newly married, 25-year-old girl suffering a quiet, albeit intense quarter-life crisis. "But 'Stay With Me' unexpectedly rotated onto our Pandora station during our veggie noodle and kale dinner one night, and I'm due in December."
Whodathunk that a 22-year-old Brit, famous for his mini cross earrings and a strong allurement to genitalia of the male kind would hold the vocal power to encourage P in V to such a degree? And this epidemic shows no signs of stopping.
"Dating is the worst," a single, 20something girl with profiles on most major dating sites and apps told us. "I was doing pretty good with not immediately having sex with dudes, but then Sam Smith basically made himself a surefire sex weapon and rendered most of us horny, sensitive girls completely helpless." She was dramatic.
Allegedly, Smith is in talks to sell his next album with packs of condoms and coupons for more condoms once those condoms are gone.
"'Got that sam smith bumping on this sony. Gun have sum good sex 2nite'," tweeted someone. It wasn't favorited or retweeted by anyone. Sources say this has been the one instance sex has not directly followed the listening to a Sam Smith original.