A Collection of Manic Thoughts All Girls Have While At the Grocery Store
1. "I feel so figuratively fat getting excited when I find a prime parking spot as close to the entrance as possible. I'm #blessed enough to have the means to shop for whatever food I want at this store, yet throw a mini shit fit if I have to park more than 10 parking spots away from the front. OMGYES. FIRST SPOT FROM THE DOOR." 2. "I don't really need a cart. I'm not getting that much. Basket it is."
3. "Aw shit I'm getting milk. That's heavy. Okay, cart it is."
4. "I love these smaller carts. They're so dainty and adorable - LIKE ME!"
5. "So much fresh produce. Ugh, gonna load up and watch it all rot within the week. AMIRITE?!"
6. "I really need to make a serious effort to use all these veggies, though. Maybe if I only bought exactly what I know I will make this week?"
7. "God, but what fun is that? It's essentially meal planning WHICH I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN."
8. "Baby carrots. Cucumber. Some mini peppers because they're adorable and efficient. Pre-packaged salad because spinning out my own lettuce is fun but requires work. Maybe some cilantro and an onion, in case I get a feisty bug this week? This 4-pack of avocados that won't be ripe but then ripe for 30 seconds and then rotted before I have a chance to eat them."
9. "Can't forget bananas! Love watching them turn brown before I have a chance to pretend I'm gonna eat them."
11. "Oh, the wine section. I had plans for us. Big plans. Like, four bottles on-hand at all times plans. I'm not sure where we went wrong. Probably when I turned 25 and realized you were a stage-5 clinger on my stomach and thighs."
12. "Fuck it. I'll get two bottles. Two cheapish bottles so I feel super grown-up. What's more grown-up than having wine on-hand at home?"
13. "Poultry! My BFF. I should just buy a big ass bag of frozen chicken breasts, but getting you fresh and letting you expire because of my poor planning is so much better."
14. "Need bread. Don't need tortillas. Want tortillas. Crave tortillas. Love tortillas. Getting tortillas. Fuck."
15. "The baking aisle. Do I need any spices? Might as well look."
16. "Do I need more brown sugar? Is mine hard now? Do I have enough for a cup at least? What am I even baking in the near future? Whatever, I'll just grab it and have 14 pounds of brown sugar in the pantry just in case."
17. "FUNFETTI HALLOWEEN CUPCAKES? #YOLO."
18. "Boxed cous cous - a wanting-to-be-domestic-but-
also-wanting-to-be-lazy girl's dream. I'll load up on these."
19. "Ugh, I really shouldn't get more pasta."
20. "But pasta is so good to have in case of emergencies. That emergency being I'm drunk or tired or lazy or a combo of all three and just want a lot of boiled carbs in my mouth ASAP."
21. "I mean it's better than ordering pasta at a restaurant, ya know? At least I can see what's going into my dish of carbs. Whatever. I'm getting rotini."
22. "Are Frosted Mini Wheats considered a 'healthy' cereal? I've always wondered. It's better than Trix or Frosted Flakes, right?"
23. "I would eat the shit out of a box of Trix. I miss the fruit shapes, though. That's what made Trix Trix. Now I'm sad and nostalgic for my childhood."
24. "OMGYOGURT. #CHOBANI. #FAGE. #YOPLAIT. All the yogurt! I'm gonna be like those Yoplait commercials, 'I had Apple Pie for dinner.'"
25. "Lololol. Like I'd ever have fucking yogurt for dinner. Man. Come to think of it, those commercials sort of promote extreme dieting/borderline starvation."
26. "Oh look. The cheese section. PASS."
27. "LOLJK! Let's see. I need shredded cheese. And pieces of cheese. And this block of cheese. And string cheese (even though it tastes like air). Also, cream cheese. For good measure."
28. "Frozen time! Let it go, let it gooo. Can't hold back my individual pizzas anymore!"
29. "Oh hello, ice cream. We meet again. You can go fuck yourself."
30. "Who am I kidding? I want you, I need you. Just this once, just enough until I hate myself and my decisions and vow to never fraternize with you again (i.e. a few weeks from now)."
31. "Okay, we're done here. Checkout time."
32. "Oh? $1,000? Cool. Sounds reasonable. And I saved $2.16? WHATTA STEAL!"
33. "Now, with all this newly bought food, I'm gonna go pick up Chipotle for dinner and call it a night."