20 Things that Happen When You Enter Your Late 20s

In April, I turned 27. I got a vacuum for my birthday. And, honestly, that's the best thing that's happened to me so far this year. But that's just my year, personally. Yours could be great and if it is, good for you.

Regardless of how your personal year is turning out so far, there are some inarguable truths to entering your late 20s (27 is late 20s. I won't argue this). Here they are.

1. Coffee becomes a necessity. For a few years now, it's been something you've done to maybe look cool or because you felt you had to since most other working people do. But now it's like your morning oxygen. Without it, you can't breathe. Without it, you are useless. Not only that, you know exactly what kind of coffee you will and won't stand for. You're not messing around anymore.

2. Earning what you feel you deserve becomes imperative to your professional career growing further. You're not pussy-footing around anymore. You're not a "junior" or "assistant" anymore. You're in your late 20s, GAHDAMMIT! You believe you should and will make more. End of story.

3. You like reading again. When did this happen? You don't know, but it's fantastic and a great substitute for sex. Speaking of which...

4. You experience bouts of asexuality that you almost don't notice until you do notice and have a minor panic attack. "So that's it for me?" you'll wonder. "I just don't care about sex anymore?" The level of patience you've garnered for being able to go without is frightening and worrisome, but know this - it's totally normal (at least that's what I tell myself). You're not an insatiable teenager anymore who can't imagine not feeling these things for more than two days. You have shit to do.

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5. The weird asexual phase will last a month at the very longest. Before you know it, you'll be ugly crying about how long it's been and how you can't foresee any future situation in which you'd be faced with a sexual opportunity ever again.

6. The sexual opportunity will probably materialize before your very eyes around two weeks after your ugly crying session. This is how life works.

7. You realize you're 3, 2, 1 years away from 30 and all hell breaks lose. You start to live every day worrying that you will be washed up, chewed up, and spit out by 30 if you don't make every hour of every day count for something. You begin thinking that if you haven't accomplished all you want by 30, your life is pretty much over and that's that and why bother anymore? It's a very real, every day anxiety.

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8. Your newsfeed and Instagram feed are taken over by the same pics of the same babies over and over and over and over and over. You may even have nightmares of the babies coming out of the newsfeeds and crying you out of house and home.

9. Everyone gets engaged every weekend.

10. It's never NOT wedding season. What is this with labeling certain times of the year as "wedding season"? Every single Fri/Sat/Sun or every single month is in season for a wedding because someone is always getting married. So don't tell me it's NOT wedding season all the time.

11. You're going through your last heavy bouts of actually caring what people think. You don't suspect it'll fully go away until you've reached your mid 30s, but you can definitely tell that your body is working out the last, most intense of its "giving a shit" sessions and you're going with it for now.

12. The wear and tear your furniture has endured was cute for a long time (since college, to be exact), but you start thinking about replacing it. The day you openly contemplate getting a new couch/mattress/living room rug is the day you are sure you've crossed over into late 20s adulthood and aren't coming back any time soon.

13. Taking anyone under the age of 25 seriously isn't happening. 26 is kinda pushing it, too.

14. Did I mention the daily anxieties of not figuring life out completely by 30?

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15. You stop messing around with your savings. If you have any, you're not touching them. You refuse. You will starve out before you lay a pinky finger on what you've managed to not spend. You used to turn to them in times of desperation, but you were young and clearly mentally ill. Your savings are sacred and not to be touched EVER AGAIN.

16. You find yourself getting annoyed with texting. You thought you'd never see the day, but realize you crave voice calls way more now. What are you? An out-of-touch, unhip loser? Probably. Texting is still great, it's just that you're growing bitter about the lost days of dialing someone's number and speaking to them with your vocal chords is all.

17. Long, drawn out dinners with friends are a thing of the past. You have no problem with a quick, early dinner that gets you home between 9-10 so you can clean, watch "Gilmore girls," and read your book (not a personal anecdote) (100% a personal anecdote).

18. You decorate for the holidays. You have a collection of Halloween pumpkins you put out each year. And Thanksgiving turkeys with their accompanying Pilgrims. And, obviously, a tiny fake Christmas tree. Or a real, full-size Christmas tree if you're the most grown-up version of a late 20something. Holidays aren't about getting fucked up as much as they're about making your home welcoming and cute for the adorable late 20something "get togethers" you'll be having. Duh.

19. You can barely recall the days in which you were covered by your family's insurance and didn't worry about your weight and took your life over boys (because now it's like "Oh. It didn't work out? Cool. Get me a drink to knock back real quick.") and thought of 25 as the oldest age one could possibly be. OMGYOUJUSTWANNAGOBACKTOCOLLEGE. WHYISLIFESOHARDANDSCARY?

20. You turn 30 soon. Just a third reminder... in case you forgot.