This Just In: UT to Offer Course on Beyonce/Rihanna

Wait. What?

Yes, it's true. While making my evening commute home yesterday (usually around 45 minutes, typically closer to 8.5 hours), my overly-informed mother broke this confusing, hilarious, and dare I say embarrassing news to me. Apparently, this spring, the prestigious University of Texas at Austin that only, like, three kids from your high school probably got into and accepted another 20 via the "summer program," is going to begin offering a feminist-focused course with its main subjects being Queen B and RiRi.


"They’ll study theoretical readings paired with music videos of the female pop superstars. Among the issues they’ll look at: what do black women want, how black women survive different kinds of violence and black women and creativity," reported KXAN's website.

Needless to say, I can't. To think that undergrads are going to receive legitimate collegiate credit by taking this course not only single-handedly shows exactly where our generation is headed educationally-wise, but confuses me more than Beyoncé's consistently ***Flawless figure.

If I had to guess (which I don't, but I will), the syllabus will look something like this:

Week 1-3: "Bow Down Bitches"

- In the first three weeks of this course, we will be introduced to the early lives of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter and Robyn Rihanna Fenty. Where do they come from? How were they raised? What strategic moves did they make on their climb to early stardom (e.g. the hip hop rappin' Girls Tyme on "Star Search")? 

Week 4-7: "You Can Stand Under My Umbrella"

- What happens when you finally make it big? How do you combat the haters and see through fronts? They say when it rains it pours, but that don't mean it's always a torrential downpour of rainbows and sunshine. In the second part of this course, we will explore early success with an emphasis on the come up of arguably the greatest girl's group of all-time, Destiny's Child. We'll learn about needing soldiers, being considered "bootylicious," and how to achieve independence as a woman who bought the shoes on her feet, the watch she's wearing, and the house she lives in.

Week 8-12: "Who Run the World? Girls."

- Feminism, feminism, feminism. A laser-focused four weeks on bitches makin' it.

Week 13-14: "Baby Boy, Make Me Lose My Breath/Pretty Hurts"

- The heaviest part of this course. We'll explore what happens when you date a physically abusive asshole and get publicly punched out by him, then continue to date him. We'll also dissect family dynamics when there's a billion dollars on an elevator. Also to be studied: infidelity, loyalty, celebrity rivalries, and whether or not Beyoncé was ever actually pregnant or used a surrogate in order to keep her (often Photoshopped for Instagram) girlish figure.

Week 15: "Suck My Cockiness, Lick My Persuasion"

- The delicate balance between being viewed as a universal sex symbol and not a whore is analyzed.

 Week 16-20: "Drunk In Love, but always ***Flawless"

- For the last four weeks of this course, students will work in groups to best recreate their own interpretation of a chosen Beyonce or Rihanna music video. Performances will be held the last week of class and count for 80% of their final grade. Also, a 1000-word essay will be required on why there are three asterisks in the title of ***Flawless.

Let's have a great semester together! And driver, roll up the partition please. I don't need you seeing Yoncé on her knees - because she's a lady. Clearly.