The 12 Most Annoying Ways To Announce Your Holiday Engagement
Joy to the world! The ring has come.
He fi-na-lly proposed!
See my new bling!
And bitches can't help but sing
"She doesn't deserve that ring."
Don't be mad that I'm doing me.
It's the most wonderful time of the year -- Christmas. The holiday that never lets us down; the one we can always rely on for a number of things: eggnog, a constant stream of baked goods, weight gain, busy shopping malls that make us consider whether the people in our lives really even need a present this year, twinkling lights, decorated trees, and, perhaps most importantly, the onslaught of engagement announcements that litter our social media feeds December 24 - 26.
So. Many. Engagements. You would think that in 2014, the tradition of proposing at one of the most obvious times of the year one can propose would be obsolete, an antiquated and long forgotten display. Alas, I suppose the stereotype lives on because, well, stereotypes are as such for a reason.
Every Christmas holiday, hundreds - nay, thousands! - of able and willing gentleman drop to one knee in front of a Christmas tree or a burning fireplace or the front of some picture-perfect, wintry wonderland house and ask the question 7 out of 10 girls wait for their entire lives (there's no math behind that statistic I just wrote -- I closed my eyes and picked a number). And, yes, of course it's a special moment no matter how or when or where you do it, but also, like, come on. Could you be anymore obvious? Are you seriously that typical? You're gonna blame it on wanting to have done it around family, aren't you? You're like "I'm not unoriginal. I just wanted her entire family to be here for the event because it's not about us - it's about the money they'll be dropping to ensure my friends get as drunk as possible and that she doesn't regret saying 'Yes.'" As Taylor Swift would say, "I can read you like a magazine."
This week, if you're one of the lucky ones who gets a sparkly surprise for Christmas, do us all a favor and avoid these certain captions to announce it.
"Christmas came early this year!"
Did it? Well then you might want to talk to Christmas about how you can make it last longer if it's arriving that early. That's no fun for anyone. Also, Christmas is supposed to be about giving back to others and gifting your family, so it's nice to know that clearly Christmas is all about you.
"He put a ring on it... under the mistletoe!"
Accompanied, of course, with a picture of the newly-promised couple sharing a dry peck underneath mistletoe inside one of their parents' homes with her left hand extended toward the camera.
"All I wanted for Christmas was this guy, and now I've got him FOREVER!"
Slightly terrifying and also shamefully disrespects the greatest Mariah Carey rendition of our time.
"They say the best things come in small packages..."
With a picture of the ring and the small Christmas-wrapped box it came in, of course. The ellipses is supposed to insinuate the raw wit of the caption, but instead all it makes me think about/giggle over is how your new fiancé may or may not have a small weiner.
"I'm engaged... to Santa!"
I understand the effort to be cute by having the "To/From" gift tag read "Santa," but don't you want to give yourself some credit, bro? You're really okay with her making a mockery of the bling you just dropped money on that you don't necessarily have yet? Letting a big ol' fat dude take credit, I see. Interesting.
"JOY TO THE WORLD! WE'RE ENGAGED!"
"Fido gave me the best Christmas present of all this year :)"
So you got über creative and tied the ring to your dog's collar and had him walk over to your girlfriend and awkwardly dig around his fur and skin rolls to find it. It's all just so uncomfortable. But maybe not as uncomfortable as...
"I love spiked egg nog, especially when it's spiked with A RING/DIAMONDS/MY FUTURE/FOREVER LOVE!"
You just spent thousands of dollars on a (hopefully real) diamond ring and DROPPED IT INTO A GLASS OF ALCOHOL/PIECE OF PIE/PILE OF MASHED POTATOES FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO IDEALLY FIND BEFORE SHE ALMOST MAYBE CHOKES ON IT? Just stop.
"I've added some serious holiday weight this year... TO MY LEFT HAND!"
...I'm not above slapping a hoe/happy person.
"There is a Santa, and I'm marrying him!!!!!"
Followed by a secretly-snapped photo with an impossibly corny male dressed as Mr. Claus himself, on one knee, by the milk and cookies, proposing and everything being so fucking upsettingly weird and difficult to digest.
"While visions of WEDDING BELLS danced in their heads! #predeterminedweddinghashtagthatshesbeenthinkingaboutsincedate1here"
"When I asked for jewelry for Christmas, I didn't expect THIS!"
Really? You didn't? Because something tells me maybe a part of you did.
"It's a very Merry Christmas :)"
Fine. I'll accept this. No puns, no hidden jokes, no unacceptable levels of corn or cheese. Just being grateful and happy and straightforward. Because, let's face it guys -- it's already expected enough that he chose the biggest holiday of the year to propose, so would it kill you to help put an end to the just-as-corny announcement? Think about it.
And happy holidays.