My Best Friends VS My Exes

I gchat. Who doesn't? (If you were just all like "Uh, ME. I don't," then I just feel bad for you). Most days, my gchats are pretty uneventful. It's pulled up purely out of habit and comfort. Essentially, it's just a lot of nonsense between my friends and I -- a way to pass the most boring of office days, but also a wonderful way to keep up with friends who live both near or far because, as tragically overworked young adults, we all know how difficult it can be to inform our friends of our every daily occurrence. Therefore, gchat is often used as a way to update each other on major life events or what you're eating for lunch or that "brb - meeting" or to completely overdo the LOL's and HAHAHA's or describe how graphically grotesque your bathroom visit just was.

Like I said -- normal, every day, shooting-the-shit crap.


But then there are those days in which you and your girls are on point. Everyone's killing it; on a roll, really. You can't get enough of each other's hilarity and are riffing like you've never riffed before. Luckily for me, I had one of these yesterday. But I wasn't the riffer -- no, no. One of my best friends was. 

The line of conversation started by me sharing this Elite Daily article with her (no, I didn't write it). I rejoiced in my present-day boyfriend never having taken a selfie, ever (not to my knowledge, anyway), but was horrified to come to the realization that a handful of guys I've dated were (are) indeed no strangers to selfies and, also indeed, most definitely did (do) possess "psychopathic tendencies."

Full disclosure: I've dated a lot (if you hadn't noticed). And because I've dated a lot, I have a lot of stories. A lot (Hi, current BF! You're the best and I really like you). And because I tell my best friends just about everything, they've so kindly helped me keep track of all my stories over the years. Therefore, it's inevitable that, from time to time, we reminisce about some of the horrors I've lived through when it comes to the male species. It's entertaining, and sometimes you've got to force yourself to dig up the horrible memories to appreciate the new ones, AMIRIGHT?

Upon learning that some of my exes were no stranger to selfies, one of my best friends lost it. She typed out a series of "OMG"s, "I CAN'T"s, and "You sicken me"s. Then, one by one, she told me what she would do were she to ever run into them. Below are her rants, completely unedited and each one about a different guy. Please enjoy this borderline insanity and happy Friday.

1. "based on the bald head alone, i would throw red matter into his face and run away. (red matter is the stuff from star trek that eats planets up. your mom once said she needed some to throw on this lady at the grocery store who was a bitch to her)."

2. "omg. if i saw him, i would transport all of us back to your first apartment out of college, staple his eyelids so he couldnt shut them, make him watch land before time, and then slam the door over and over again."

3. "just looking at his skinny frame would immediately make my stomach churn, so i would excuse myself, have diarrhea, come back, slap him and then turn around and slap you."

4. "if he ever came anywhere near me, i'd say "NOPE." and turn around and sprint."

5. "if him and his necklace walked in my general direction, i would projectile vomit all over him, slap him, and run away."

6. "i would pour gasoline on his blazer, tshirt, baseball cap and get one of khaleesi's dragons to blow that shit up. then i would call him a douche and run away."

7. "if he showed up at my doorstep, i would shriek and slam the door in his face, then i would light myself on fire."

8. "i would go to the nearest old folks home, grab the nastiest bedpan, throw the contents in his face whilst yelling "PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT, SCRUB!!!!""

9. "i would punch him in the vagina."

Chicks before dicks! Unless it's a nice dick and you haven't had a dick in a while. Then your chicks can CTFO.