The Worst of the 2015 Golden Globes

"Disappointing" is the only appropriate word that comes to mind re: last night's Golden Globes show.  As a girl who grew up on these award shows (literally making that entire designated Sunday all about it, awaking that morning with a familiar excited feeling in my stomach much like what a child feels on Christmas), the tradition of sitting in front of the E! channel for hours on end, brutally criticizing celebrities from the safety of my own home as I shove copious amounts of junk food down my throat is my thing. And, sadly, last night didn't deliver. 

I mean, where the fuck were Tina and Amy? This was their last time hosting and instead of pulling out all the stops and essentially making the show just a string of their impossibly perfect one-liner deliveries, they had a monologue and just a few other appearances (including that painfully awkward situation with Margaret Cho dressed as Kim Jung Ho ::shudder::). It was upsetting, especially since I plugged their hosting skills via Instagram at least twice this weekend -- how embarrassing for me, amirite?

The scarcity of the hostesses was, by far, the biggest downfall of last night's show IMO. Besides that, it was just... boring. George Clooney won a lifetime achievement award, which I guess is deserved but also hilariously ironic sitting next to his new, highly accomplished, internationally revered, young wife. Tina and Amy hit the nail on the head there:

"Amal is a Human Rights lawyer, who's worked on the ENRON case, was an advisor to Kofi Annah regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award."

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Clooney died laughing. Amal just sorta sat there, tight-lipped, internally laughing maybe? I think she's probably way too smart to laugh, TBH.

An easily-missed but hilarious screw-up was Salma Hayek's trouble with presenting. Girl got all sorts of tongue-tied last night. She definitely pronounced "starring" as "staring," and made a horrified face at herself when she tripped up some other lines a few seconds later. She was struggling (and also looked like she was heading out to her quinceañera after the show).


Of course, the funniest part of the night was during John Legend's acceptance speech for original song. Let's be real -- wives and husbands of winners know that the camera will be focused solely on their face at one point or another during an acceptance speech. So once it's been announced who won, it's best to just sit there and look as happy and casual as possible. Now, don't me wrong -- I love Chrissy Teigen. She is gorgeous and hilarious (two wonderful things to be as a woman). But what in the actual fuck was her face doing during John's speech?


That's not a face. I don't know what it is. It's like the most awkward, painful, confused, frozen-in-time, I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-hands expression. Almost as though right before he got up to accept the award, he said "Bitch. Don't fuck this up for me while I'm up there. Act right." Or maybe Chrissy realized at this exact moment that she was about to have some serious bathroom trouble. In fact, she very well could've lightly shit her pants given this reaction. Yeah, that's it -- she sharted.

Up until "The Imitation Game," I've never really liked Keira Knightley. Her jaw jutt always got to me. However, I like her now, so I was highly disappointed to see she chose to wear one of her costume pieces from "Pride & Prejudice" last night. 


JLO's look made me want to pull her partly-fake hair out while yelling, "WE GET IT. OK? WE. GET. IT." Yes, Jennifer -- we know you're 45. We know you look how you do for 45. We're aware that you know how good you look for 45. Please do yourself and all of us a favor and put your legs, crotch, boobs, and hair AWAY. 


Just -- why? She dressed like a newly developed teenage girl who just got curves and isn't sure how to show them off without showing everything off all at once. This look was far too reminiscent of her P. Diddy days. Every step you take, every move you make, JLO, we wince at almost seeing your vajay.

And then we have the other Jennifer -- America's sweetheart most of the time. She's our Rachel: our 40something, still can't quite figure out the man thing, go-to single gal. She's also one of the most inexplicably fittest, in-shape, enviably taut women in Hollywood and has been for a while now. Both women and men look forward to seeing her, no matter the occasion. So last night was a total and complete letdown from Miss Aniston:


Yes, your legs are always on point. And yes, overall, you're not ugly. But WHAT is with this look? The tight prom-esque bun updo? The thin-strap halter dress? What is this -- 2003 Homecoming??!!? I just couldn't with her last night. It was a letdown. You're so much better than this, Jen. You know it, I know it, everyone who has even the slightest inkling of fashion sense knows it. 

Lastly, and most horrifically, is Giuliana Rancic. I mean. What is there to say? It's just awful. It's one of those things that has gotten worse with time. I know she's been through a lot -- trust me, I don't discount that. But her thinness isn't okay by any stretch of a legging or imagination. It should not be aspired to nor celebrated, because it's just wrong.

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If the camera really does add 10 pounds, what does that make Giuliana? Like 90 pounds on film? It's unnerving and no wonder she had trouble getting pregnant for as long as she did. Even with all the thin standards of Hollywood, there are healthier ways to go about it -- I fully believe that. It's truly just upsetting to look at.


That's my GG recap, guys. All pretty hateful, I know. But what's the point of award shows if not to sit around with your girlfriends, eating bullshit, drinking crap, and tearing down celebrities mercilessly? That's what America is all about.



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