I Can't, Vol. 23

I can't... with online retailers that don't provide you with a clickable tracking number. I mean, really guys? It's 2015. All anyone does is email and use their phone for life support. You're telling me I have to zoom in just-so on my phone, tell it "NO, I don't want to call this number," and argue with the screen for five minutes as to what I'm trying to copy? GET IT TOGETHER, GUYS.

I can't...

believe it, but as of tomorrow, I've completed two full weeks of my "workout three mornings a week" routine. This coming from a girl who used to loudly and proudly claim she "isn't a morning person" and sleep in on weekends until noon (that hasn't happened for years, but I'm going for extreme revelations here). Granted, it's not easy. I've been in a permanent state of confused sleepiness since last Monday, but it'll get better. Right? It has to. And, in addition to that train of thought...

I can't...

with this commercial. It's SO true, it hurts. Good job, Weight Watchers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJJNt-lp-us

I can't...

listen to music at my desk without consistently tapping my foot against the floor. I think I'm too new for anyone to say anything, but they'll get there. They always do.

I can't...

with Meghan Trainor. I tried to make a status about it this week on my personal Facebook page, but was lambasted by haters about my hatred. So, I removed it to save face. But, for the record, her music is awful and she's not even a little cute and it all just confuses me and makes me angry.

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I can't...

when my handwriting is having a bad day. I mean -- the WORST.

I can't...

imagine what my walking-by-you-awkwardly-in-the-hallway-and-not-knowing-what-to-do-except-closed-mouthed-smile face looks like, but I can guarantee I would never want to see it on camera.

I can't...

handle where I am in Gone Girl (the book). Unfortunately, the big twist of the entire story was indirectly and accidentally revealed to me one afternoon at my parents by my dad's out loud review of the movie, but thankfully the story and book are so incredibly gripping, my life wasn't entirely ruined by his slip. It's been a longtime since I've read a book that has me sitting up straight in bed, forcing my brain to read faster for the sake of putting me out of my suspenseful misery. AMAZING AMY, Y'ALL.

I can't...

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Poor AB. I just wish we could go back to the days of "All That" when you were my idol. I also just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all eat it and be happy.

I can't...

express properly my love of @girlwithnojob, aka Claudia Oshry. She's just... my best friend, I guess. Yesterday, she posted this about her childhood and I related -- hard. You see, I too have next to no memories of my childhood. It's always plagued me, made me wonder if something just absolutely horrendous happened in my youth that won't resurface until I'm 45, on an incredibly inconvenient day in which I have a shitload of meetings and a fabulous lunch planned. I have a small handful of childhood recollections, but for the most part, I hear others talk about how they remember every moment since they were two, and I have a panic attack. 

I can't...

when you follow washing directions on a particular clothing item exactly as they're written, and you still fuck it up. It's just like, what's the point of following any directions for anything ever??? Since the outcome is clearly up to fate, no matter how meticulous you are. 

I can't...

that my new health insurance (that I am incredibly grateful for no matter what) has given me no choice but to re-route my prescription(s) to CVS. Like, y'all. I am devastated. There are two types of people in this world: those that love Walgreens and those that love CVS, and the difference can be relationship-ruining. Walgreens is my sanctuary. CVS -- the layout, the branding, the lighting, the overall aesthetic of every store -- makes my skin crawl. I hardly know how to handle this beyond recall situation.

I can't...

(still) with Giuliana Rancic. I know I wrote about it Monday and posted a few things about it, but when something bothers you this much, there's no end in sight until you've beaten the horse dead beyond recognition. So, just in case you missed my ameezing impression of her on Instagram, here:

http://youtu.be/k9csf3rHXFM

I can't...

with "lady" or "baby cakes" or "chica." I can with "girl" or "gurl," though.

xox,

emma

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