To All The Girls Who Just Love Shopping So F*cking Much

Ladies, We have issues. Not you and me -- you, me, and it. "It" being that special thing we all do almost every day in some form or fashion (pun definitely intended). That dirty little thing that makes us feel so good, so right, so whole.


Girls like us can't get enough of it. And it doesn't even have to be big ticket items and investments, because any shopaholic knows even the smallest purchase is capable of the strongest temporary high. When it comes to us, a day without some purchase of some small something is a bad day.


Time and time again, we've made resolutions and promises to pull back, save more, really question the pieces we buy and if they're worth it. And some of those times, we've succeeded for a brief, surreal moment. We vowed to not buy one more thing until the 15th of the month, not even a soap refill for the kitchen sink since we can't be trusted to not buy an adorable new soap dispenser along with it. We've punished ourselves over and over, trying to teach ourselves (and our poor, degraded bank accounts) a lesson. But none of it works, because the heart wants what the heart wants and our hearts want something every day, even if it's a little something.

I've been addicted to shopping for a long time, and not officially addicted -- not diagnosed addicted. It's my own self-proclaimed, insatiable craving. It started in my childhood, flourishing into a hideous, uncontrollable monster by the time I was 15, working my first retail job at Nordstrom. Paycheck? What's this "paycheck" of which you speak? Oh, you mean the couple hundred dollars I get every two weeks that I've already spent on a handful of items I've been eyeing in the BP section and maybe even have hiding on hold in the back under a code name? From there, I went to a small, local Dallas boutique, always stocked with the early 2000's hottest fashion trends (e.g. Von Dutch, any and all designer jeans, off-the-shoulder peasant tops). Again, paychecks were spent immediately on the store's array of trends. The worst, though, was Anthropologie. Any girl reading this needs no other explanation. With a 40% employee discount, I was literally only working there to buy $198 blouses I would otherwise never, ever be able to afford.

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So you see, the bigger part of my life has been surrounded by enabling situations. I'm a victim of my surroundings! It's not my fault!

Girls who love to shop like we do don't need much. It takes next to nothing to get us going. In sex, we might be ovens, but in shopping, we're the full-blast setting on a microwave. We come by it honestly. We may be aimlessly clicking around the internets, perhaps catching up on our favorite blogs or innocently checking the 5-day weather forecast (in order to plan our weekend outfits, duh). Suddenly, before we even know what's happening, we're browsing ASOS or XXI or Piperlime. "Today only!" this, "Ends at midnight tomorrow!" that. We can't take it. We literally can't say no. The fact that it's on sale and may not be there tomorrow is reason enough to BUY! BUY! BUY!

And the packages - OH! the packages. I've never done hard drugs (unless Chipotle counts as crack?), but I can imagine the high a heroin addict feels being eerily similar to the feelings that go through a shopping-lover's body when she sees delivered boxes and packages on her doorstep. A delivery very well may be the most beautiful sight to our kind, happy tears-inducing even. Not to mention tracking said delivery's route to our door. Bless you, UPS/USPS/FedEx/every other trackable shipping service that has made it possible for us to stalk our package's whereabouts and obsess over the exact time and day it will finally enter our lives.


Don't underestimate this obsession either. It doesn't always have to be clothes. In fact, most of the time in order to get a quick fix, it's anything but. Our people are perfectly happy taking our addiction to Targets, Wal-marts, all major drugstores, and almost any grocery store. There, let us loose and watch us find endless unnecessary items to buy: nail polish, three varieties of chap stick, mascara we probably don't need, replacement closet fresheners, and an adorable Nate Berkus basket for our couch blanket -- it's just so perfect! There is literally nothing we can't rationalize when it comes to shopping.

The onslaught of most online retailer's free shipping and free returns policies have done nothing but perpetuate this issue. They think they're helping by making it cheaper for us to feed the beast, but in reality, they're hurting. But damn -- it hurts so good.

Amazon Prime gives us chills. Bath and Body Works 3-wick candle sales send us into a frenzy. Just driving by our favorite local boutique causes us to break into a post-coital type of sweat. A day without buying one small something is no day. Okay, fine. Maybe, like, every two or three days. We're not that bad.

Or are we?

Just remember, fellow shopaholics: you are not alone. When all else fails, at least you have your things and some fun new nail polish. At least you have that.