I Can't, Vol. 25

I can't... with the feeling I get inside my loins when doing run-of-the-mill errands. Not the grocery store, really. And not the dry cleaner or getting gas. It's more so, like, getting paper towels and toilet paper and face wash — you know, the necessities that you see getting low and need to replace? Being stocked up on paper goods and facial products makes me feel safe. Safe and clean and dry.

I can't...

when I decide to be "cute" and wear a beanie to work and end up struggling the entire day with my headphones. Not only does it look awkward, but it's like half the noise is bumping into my beanie while the other bottom half is actually hitting my ear. Also, this situations lends itself to those within your vicinity catching snippets of what you secretly listen to all day long. Yes, my followers on Spotify have watched as "Let It Go" plays on a continuous loop for an hour straight (no, it wasn't a glitch. That was really happening), but my co-workers don't need to be privy. 

I can't...

that, one morning last week, I was walking into work when felt a strange lump in my pant leg, stopped abruptly, walked back to the privacy of my car, reached in knowing it would be a thong, and it was a thong. It was a total Bridget Jones's moment. I was slightly proud, but more so horrified. Someone needs to slow the F down when she's getting undressed and redressed, hmm?

giphy

I can't...

stop re-watching Gilmore girls, and it's honestly starting to concern me for me. Do I have trouble letting things go? Am I, in fact, not even a little similar to Elsa in her ability to move on from things and on to better ones? It's just that Lorelai and Rory possess a certain type of intellect, humor and, perhaps most importantly, overall empathy that draws me in more and more with each second, third, and fourth viewing of an episode. Dare I say Stars Hollow has become my new 129 W. 81st Street Apt 5A? On that note, though...

I can't...

re: the storyline of Rory losing her v-card to Dean (Oh shut up. I didn't just spoil anything. Even if this is your first time watching the series, it debuted on Netflix in October. YOU SHOULD BE WELL PAST THAT PART BY NOW. OTHERWISE, YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT COMMITTED). The only sense I've been able to make of it is that, being a semi "wholesome family" show when it was on-air, Amy Sherman-Palladino felt the need to cater slightly to her viewership by having the beloved, innocent,19-year-old, Virgin Rory lose it to a male character to whom we had been introduced at the very beginning of the series; a guy that wasn't by any means a stranger to Rory nor to us. Perhaps she felt it made the whole having sex thing not as risqué or dangerously impressionable? You know, how it maybe could've been had Rory her cherry popped by a thirsty rando at Yale or a love 'em and leave 'em type like Jess? I don't know, but no matter how you spin it, it was fucked up and I stand by that. Heavy material for two walking, talking oxymorons ("Junkfood Anorexics") (I just made that up) (Like, they only eat shit but somehow remain super thin). P.S. I hate Dean.

giphy (1)

I can't...

drink Blue Moon and you better not be able to, either. Unless it's a life or death situation (like, it's literally the only available beer) or you're new to college, Blue Moon should not be on your radar. You should not have a taste for it. You should snarl at it and give others shit for drinking it.

I can't...

but can and will with this Valentine's Day puppy chow via jendoebakes.com. Jen is a cutie I went to college with who clearly has the baking gene burned into her (Get it? Burned? Baking? Baking language?). At the very least, you should follow her on Insta. She's always coming up with sweet, creative concoctions that intimidate the hell out of me, but not this. This is too pretty and too cute not to be attempted for next week.

valentines

I can't...

with the new book light I recently purchased from Amazon. I'm all about book lights, guys. I'm not even sure they're still a thing people use or think about what with fancy schmancy Kindles and iPads, but I for one still loves me a real book, read in bed, under the covers, in the dark. Cue the necessity of a seriously intense book light. Mine's been begging for a replacement for a while now, but until I received my new one this week, I had no idea how poor the brilliance of my old book light had become. Mighty Bright 4 lyfe, y'all.

I can't...

that my VERY NECESSARY two tablespoons of fat-free hazelnut creamer from Coffee-mate is 50 fucking calories. Really? CAN I LIVE?

I can't...

that it's "Coffee-mate." Coffee DASH mate. If I had been a part of the naming process, I would've been like "That'll work, but only if we punctuate it as 'Coffee, mate?'" ::drops mic::

I can't...

with "Left Shark." I've been writing this blog for almost five years now, and my biggest claim to fame is a Cosmo magazine (New Zealand addition) article. Until recently, I considered this not too shabby. But this guy puts on the 2nd worst costume ever (right behind the confused and depressed beach balls), and creates a media firestorm in under 60 seconds. WHAT IS LIFE. But also...

I can't...

that "Left Shark" also now has his very own cookie cutter via Etsy. And very own t-shirts. And towels. And mugs. I JUST CAN'T.

il_570xN.722716663_g01w

I can't...

poignantly express my feelings for Jimmy Fallon. I've loved him for a very long time. In fact, in 2001, my sister and I were privileged enough to attend the MTV Movie Awards by way of my dad's job and there, in the Green Room, about a half foot in front of me, was Jimmy. He was three years into SNL; so fresh, so young. I could've (and should've) easily reached out, touched him, and made really awkward 13-year-old conversation with him about my braces and newly sprouted pubic hair with which I had no idea what to do. But, instead, I chickened out. And I've regretted it every day since. Who knows where my life could be today had I just simply extended by super skinny, super hairy arm out in an effort to touch his back? Maybe we would've had an absurd love story that made Woody Allen's look acceptable. Anyway, my point is, this won everything for me and will be my go-to on sad days forever more:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvRypx1lbR4

xox,

emma

emmaComment