7 Embarrassing Grooming Products Most Girls Have But Don't Want To Talk About
The sentiment "Beauty is pain" has been rephrased 100 times by 100 women, but I think we can all agree it was best represented the day Beyoncé and her staff of writers sat down to pen the lyrics to "**Flawless." It's like they knew how perfectly ironic it would be for one of the most sought-after and effortlessly beautiful women in the world to sing the phrase, "I woke up like dis." Because everyone knows no one has ever woken up like that without the help of a seemingly never-ending arsenal of beauty products.
If a girl so chooses, being hairless, blemish-less, and faultless (from a distance) takes dedication and the willingness to perhaps buy grooming tools and beautification products she otherwise would've never thought twice about. The general public is privy to the obvious ones (i.e. tweezers, standard razors, pumice stones), but what about the under-the-radar ones? The ones we don't want to admit to nor talk about unless you're our BFFAEAE, and even then...
Yeah, I said it. Razors that are specifically made for YOUR FACE. Now, I personally do not have firsthand experience with this. No, really. I don't. But I have known some ladies who use them, and it's a real thing. Look, getting things lasered off permanently is wonderful, but it's not typically within our peer group's price range, unless a particular peer is a trust fund baby or incredible with saving money or has a really wealthy sugar daddy who won't love her until she's completely hairless. Some girls are born with misguided facial hair, and if they so choose, they are desperate to take care of it. So, instead of using the same razor they use on their 'pits and legs for their precious complexion, they buy speciality face shavers. Random chin hairs, overly fuzzy cheeks, even an uncharacteristically bountiful collection of nose hairs — nothing is off-limits with the right face razor. Sorry, fellas. It was harder for some of us to evolve from apes than others. Deal with it.
Butt hole wipes.
I don't care what no one says, after a certain age (25+), if you claim you don't own a package of "wet wipes" that live in your bathroom, you're LYING. Baby wipes are the best thing that have ever happened for the cosmetic compilation, IMO. Not only do they get the job done when toilet paper just cannot handle you right now, but they also sub-in for a bevy of other situations. Take for example, the "Whore's Bath." All girls are familiar with this, and if they aren't, I don't want to know them. When you either don't have time to shower or just simply don't want to, you put stock in the Whore's Bath covering your trail of filth. This pseudo shower includes a large amount of perfume, seconds of deodorant, and of course, BABY WIPES. Wipe down your vagina, your armpits, even behind your ears or the parts of your back you can reach without straining muscles. When it comes to being lazy or in a hurry, baby wipes are a girl's best friend — not diamonds.
Pubic hair trimmers.
Specifically designed to style and contain even the unruliest of situations, pubic hair trimmers are a widely-owned and widely kept secret... until now. One of my friend's has hers hidden inside a bag, inside a box, inside another box, and stashed on the highest shelf in the home she shares with her boyfriend. Me? Same idea, but I don't live with my boyfriend. I just like to know it's hidden well and up high. Now, some of you may be thinking "Who has that much pubic hair anymore? It's 2015!" Don't be confused. This trimmer is not made for 70's bushes. It's made for the remainder of ladies out there who don't particularly like their crotch looking like a hairless, baby infant, so they choose to keep a finely-tuned, sexual landing strip. And, in order to accomplish the latter, a grooming tool made specifically for this ballgame was born. They even come in pink.
If you find a pair of scissors chillin' in a girl's bathroom, don't be alarmed. She could've just been cutting tags off new clothing, but chances are that's not at all what she was doing with them. Girls use scissors in the grooming process in endless ways: impromptu bang trim-ups, random split end eradication, and for the activity mentioned above in the case they have not yet committed to the real deal (i.e. legitimate pubic hair trimmers). Scissors are a very real solution for a multitude of beautification/grooming problems and that's the hard truth.
Butt acne cream.
Oh what? You didn't know it's a thing? Because it is. That exact name is an actual product and is actually designated only for your butt cheeks and its pimples. Because, guess what? Butts get pimples, it's true. Ever workout? Butts sweat and sweat enclosed in hot, wet places is basically a pimple's safe haven. A wet butt cheek trapped underneath knock-off lululemon spandex workout pants is a breeding ground for some of the nastiest zits this side of the Mississippi. Clearly, it's an issue since literal "BUTT ACNE CREAM" was made to combat it. Yes, I own some and no, I'm not ashamed. I'd rather be actively sweating my ass off while it sprouts annoying pimples than, ya know, whatever the alternative is.
Any girl with dark hair should know what I'm talking about. No matter your background — be it Jewish, Italian, Lebanese, totally white but just hairy AF — bleaching cream should be in your arsenal if it isn't already. Some of us were introduced to our BFF "Jolene" at a very young age; depressingly, our own mothers took one look at our newly sprouting ape-like arm or upper lip hair, and decided to help us out maybe a little earlier than is healthy for a young girl's developing mental health. Some of us (the more unfortunate of the group) had no f*cking clue what "bleach cream" was until they had already suffered through their adolescence, walking around with legitimate peach fuzz and forearm hair that somehow braided itself. Sure, you can get any and all hair waxed off, of course. But when it begins growing back in (and it will), mustache and arm hair is way more obvious than, say, regrowing pubic hair. You can hide your private area easily, but finding ways to mask your regurgitating upper lip hair until you can make it back for your next wax is a lot more difficult. Therefore, BLEACH. Bleach is the answer. Yes, it tickles/burns sometimes, but that's only when you've let your hair get to astronomically ridiculous dark stages. Slather that stuff on and watch in bewilderment as you experience what it's like to be a blonde for a few weeks (or just one week if you're super hairy).
It's an app. It's the poor and on-the-go man's Photoshop. And it. Is. Everything. Didn't have time to bleach that stache, shave that cheek, or cover every single PMS-provoked blemish on your otherwise gorgeous face? No worries. Facetune will take care of all that for you, for the low price of maybe just a sliver of your dignity. Make your eyes pop, smooth out the horrific bags under your eyes, and even clear food stains off your blouse (slob). Just don't get too extreme with the "reshaping" tool and try to shrink yourself by 10 pounds. I've seen far too many Facetuners try to pull this off, resulting in Beyoncé Photoshop fail levels of swirly, misshaped benches and staircases. I SEE YOU RESHAPING, GIRL. I SEE YOU.
Now, go. Go do all the disgustingly weird things we have to do to "wake up like 'dis." Queen B would want you to.