27 Things I Learned During My 27th Year

I turn 28 this Saturday. 28. That's late twenties. Not mid twenties or early twenties — that is fucking late as fuck late twenties and two years closer to 30 in case you're bad at math. But, ya know, even though it slightly terrifies me to be entering a new, later phase of life, I'm ready. I really am. Because, as I've lamented countless times on this thing I call my blog, the 20s are the worst. They just are. They're full of misdirection, misunderstandings, and miscommunication and, I feel like by turning 28, I can almost taste the more overt "IDGAF" M.O. of the your 30s. And damn, it tastes good.


However, I always enjoy looking back on years I survive and analyzing them. It's a fun way to applaud good things that happened and try harder to suppress bad things that happened. So here are 27 things I learned from being 27 for the last 300 and however many days.

1. Being fired is actually the worst.

2. Looking for a new job with no prospects on the horizon is worst than the worst.

3. But, when the smoke clears, and you are gainfully employed again, being fired is the best thing that ever happened to you.

4. Most websites that take "contributing writers" and want "different" and "super creative" ideas are just looking for click bait like the rest of them.

5. If you want something done right and on your time, do it yourself. The only person who actually understands and is willing to meet your expectations is you. Most people you try to involve are idiots or are running on a completely different schedule than you.

6. Spiralized vegetables can be really good, and boy do they facilitate weight loss. That is, until you buckle within the same week and eat pasta and gain it back.

7. Speaking of, losing weight at age 27 is virtually impossible. Over the past few years, I went from working in a very body-conscious, unspoken yet very competitive fashion environment to working in advertising (AKA the exact opposite of the just described). Being surrounded by mainly male coworkers, drinking free agency beer, and going out to lunches all the time took its toll on me — i.e. I gained some weight. 13 pounds to be exact(ish). Yeah, I know. I'm not a big girl, I'm not overweight to the naked eye. But for me personally, I finally hit a point where most of my clothes weren't zipping or buttoning, and I felt comfortable in nothing but stretch jeans and oversized sweaters (I still feel the most comfortable in those, but you know what I'm saying). So, finally, I buckled down and this time is for a lifetime (I hope). I stopped making excuses, realized it was gonna take some serious gym effort and even more serious food effort (UGH), and just did the damn thing. Er *am doing the damn thing. And, guys... it's harder than shit. I mean, it's terrible if I'm being brutally honest. Eating this well, and working out, and watching calories intently, and saying no to free work donuts, and subbing a side salad for fries is SO DEPRESSING. If the results showed up faster maybe I'd be more okay with it, but the less you have to lose (13 pounds isn't a lot in the grand scheme of life, but feels like 100 to me), the slower this stuff goes and it's awful. I don't have a super happy ending to this item on my list. I mean, I think I've lost maybe five pounds and I can wear all my jeans again, so that's wonderful. But I have a lot more work to do for myself, and the road less-traveled is full of quinoa and vegetables and not a lot of dessert and rediscovering my taste for vodka over beer. BALLS.

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8. "Gilmore girls" is one of the greatest television shows ever because it's so bad in so many ways, but also so perfect in so many ways, resulting in a harmonious ying-yang thing at the end of the day and of each episode.

9. In the working world, it's best to follow the same rules as romantic relationships: Don't show your true self until you're three months in, then release the crazy completely around six months.

10. Indigestion and heart burn is real and it's not spectacular.

11. If you think you've lost something, like an actual personal object, have someone else look for it because panicked eyes never spot it (personal example: Thought I lost my car keys this past weekend and walked by them four times before my boyfriend calmly walked right over to them and said "Here they are").

12. Cottage cheese, I don't think, is something you learn to like. From day one, you either do or you don't. That being said, I don't.

13. If you're dating a nice man, he will go out of his way to give you a compliment while also trying to make observations about you. Example: "Are your boobs fitter?" "...What? Can boobs be fitter?" "I don't know. They seem fitter." "You mean smaller? They're smaller because of working out?" "Hmm, yeah! I guess that's it!" ....... I can't. 

14. Be nice to people; you never know if someone has to make a 30-60 minute commute to and from work every day.

15. People who don't require sugar in their coffee are cool and seem to have their shit together more than the average caffeine drinker. So, in an effort to cut back on sugar in general and take my coffee like a man, I am now totally off sugar in coffee and rely on hazelnut creamer to get the job done. I learned that I can quit shit, so that's fun.

16. I don't do the whole "sitting on an exercise ball while you work" thing. I tried yesterday and lasted 10 minutes.


17. I struggle off and on with how I don't have a core group of girlfriends. Like a large group of them. I see things on social media and I get down, but usually snap out of it pretty quickly. Because one thing I definitely took away after this 27th year of my life, is that it truly is quality over quantity. If you have two or three really fucking solid friendships — like girls you talk to every single day, know everything about, and never hesitate to spill your guts to — you're luckier than most. It's fun to parade around in troupes, of course. But it isn't realistic. Not really. Too many boobs all the time = a lot of drama or a lot of strippers.

18. It's more normal than not to have a stash of baby wipes on hand and not even bother hiding them.


19. Having a credit card that earns you airline miles with each purchase is smart AF. Do it then come fly somewhere with me and my 90K American Airline miles, what?!?!?!??? Thanks, ASOS/XXI/Tobi/Piperlime/Target/The grocery store/Various boutiques/Omg I hate myself.

20. I'm not a tea person. Shrug. I've tried — I even bought a couple Yogi flavors and a special ceramic tea mug that has been sitting on my desk with tea residue from when I last used it in January...

21. Lauren Lapkus is God's gift to comedy. I'm sorry. I know I've written about her before and my love for her might be annoying or obsessive, but I DON'T FUCKING CARE EVEN AT ALL. One of her latest podcast episodes (With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus) made me laugh so hard yesterday on my drive home, I seriously almost had to pull my car over because I couldn't see through my tears of laughter. I was thinking to myself, too, "Why hasn't SNL snatched her up?" But then I was like, "Nah. She's too good for that. She clearly wants to make a name for herself on her terms and by doing solo work, and so I love her even more now for that." YOU'RE THE BEEZ KNEEZ, LAUREN.

22. If someone's desperate enough for a beer that they'll settle for Blue Moon, question their character.

23. No one's watching you at the gym. Get over yourself. Literally, no one cares if your stomach is sticking out a little, or you make a weird grunting noise, or if you've somehow managed to sweat through your shirt AND pants. Everyone there is already too worried about themselves to worry about you, too. Just DO YOU.

24. If someone as ill-equipped as me can learn how to accomplish an at-home smoky eye look, you can, too. Now I know how! I also re-learned the importance of eyeshadow primer — attempting to work without it is fruitless and straight ignorant.

25. There is always something cheaper than what you're considering spending money on. Look on Amazon. Check Retail Me Not for coupons. DO YOUR RESEARCH* (*maybe have your mom do the research for you if you're bad at doing research and she likes doing research anyway).

26. Describing someone's look as "rapey" will be big in 2015. Refer back to this post when I'm right.

27. The 27th thing I learned while I was 27 is that shit doesn’t happen overnight. Not with weight loss, success, recognition for anything you do, NADA. Always be your biggest champion because, like I said earlier in this post, people are dumb and don’t have your back when you need them to unless it’s your Jewish mother who is literally never not there. 

Here's to another year!