I Can't, Vol. 36

I can't...

thank the gods that be enough for the invention of red lipstick. On my most tired/ugly/exhausted/bitchy/broken out/unshowered/dirty of days, it's the one thing I can count on to make me look even slightly presentable and like I don't smell ripe and stale up close. Today is one of those days in a really bad way, but can you even tell? Also, a special S/O to perfume, deodorant, and this extraordinary curling wand.

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I can't...

believe how disciplined I've become over the years re: bringing my lunch to work. I know I sort of alluded to this on my last round of "can'ts," but it truly amazes me. Look, shit's hard. When you're in a traditional office setting, people eat out all.the.time. Every single day around 11:30am, cube mates and coworkers you love to hate alike are already wondering out loud what today's lunch will be. They come back with containers of Tex-Mex, overly-Americanized but oh-so-delicious Chinese food, or maybe even pizza. So being "that girl" who brings her lunch in every day is a bold thing to be. Go ahead, laugh at my baby carrots. Scoff at my turkey sandwiches. But know this ... I wish I was eating what you are.

I can't...

seem to ever quench my thirst. Is this a problem for anyone else? I drink water all day long (and, subsequently, pee all day long) and still, my mouth feels dry. Am I dying? Or, worse yet, is it some side effect of my birth control pill???

I can't...

when people sit around and bash cold weather. It'd be one thing if we were in, say, Chicago. Yeah, ok. Then I would understand getting to the point of being over it and not being able to face one more day of snow and sleet in the city without turning fully suicidal. But we're in Texas. Cold weather is a rarity. It should be treated like a precious entity; a fragile, delicate, beautiful swan whose only purpose is to give us crisp relief from the otherwise never-ending heat of the south. It only visits once a year and for hardly any time — are you really going to complain about it? Next time you open your mouth to complain about the MAYBE ONE MONTH OF TRULY "COLD" WEATHER WE GET IN TEXAS, I want you to stop. Take a pause. Think back to the 90º+ heat we deal with from May-September and ask yourself if you're just being stubborn and maybe truly do want some chillier weather in your life but are scared to admit it. And if you still  refuse to agree that cold weather can be great in small doses, you're dead to me.

I can't...

start my weeks by working out on Monday mornings. That's been proven as of this week. Oh, yeah. SOOO ambitious, Emma! OMG you're such a badass for starting your week off so strong with a trip to the gym! Good for you! Everyone who views your snapchat (@icantemma) was super impressed by your ability to get it done early. But guess what? You will pay. You will feel a level of exhaustion for the remainder of your week that renders you incapable of getting up on time and filling you with the overpowering suspicion that maybe you were actually hit by a train and just don't remember it. Was it worth it now? WAS IT?

I can't...

stress enough how anyone who enjoys eating vegetables or experimenting with veggie dishes or maybe doesn't necessarily genuinely enjoy eating vegetables but is trying to be better about NEEDS TO ORDER THIS NOW: THE SPIRALIZER. It is the most phenomenal piece of kitchen equipment I've added to my arsenal in years. And, better yet, EASY. So, so easy. You take any vegetable (zucchini, cucumber, carrot, a sweet potato!), get the sucker all situated and start cranking clockwise and VOILÀ! You have a motherfucking mountain of veggie noodles. WHAT. It's so fun, seriously. Of course, nothing in this world will ever come close to replacing the taste of real pasta, but if you're trying to be "good," this is a fun way to trick your brain into enjoying veggies more by eating them like noodles. GET IT. DO IT. And, also, buy Ali Mafucci's book for really delightful recipes all based on the spiralizer. Here are things I've created with it so far!

zoodles

spoodles

I can't...

with the "Sport Fresh" scent of Secret's clinical strength deo. Ugh, y'all. I got it to try something different, but was reminded for the 300th time in my life, to never get off the boat once you've found a product you like and that works for you. The smell is this terrible combination of "I'm a sporty girl" mixed with "but I also love pink and champagne." It's the worst. So if you're close enough to me to smell it before I've used it all up, I'm so sorry and I know.

I can't...

believe it's November. 11/11, to be exact. I know we say this shit all year long: "Can you believe it's summer?" "How is it already Christmas?" but NO ONE HAS A GOOD ANSWER FOR ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS. Why is time and what makes it move so fucking fast? Why am I already seeing pictures on my Timehop from this time last year that I feel like were just yesterday (and are also all of my ex-boyfriend who I was newly dating this time last year, so I think maybe I need to take a break from checking Timehop for a while)? How can we, as a collective group, ban together to slow time down? 

And, lastly. I can't...

with this look the fashion-forward LikeToKnow.It account chose to post this week as an outfit I guess they felt was appropriate to showcase? But, like... what in the actual fuck. I was horrified. My friend was horrified. Everyone who saw the picture was horrified. If you want some solid afternoon entertainment (once you're done with my blog, of course), click on the picture and read all the comments. It's a gold mine.

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BRB, y'all. Old Navy is having a sale on denim skirts and yellow vests.

xox,

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