A Man Responds To My Blog And It's Perfect

I wish I got more fan mail. Or even hate mail. Any mail at all would be great, actually. Sometimes, I think readers get passive or perhaps convince themselves that I probably don't even check my email and will never read what they take the time to write or I will but won't respond because I don't care. But I DO care, so much. If you haven't picked up on that by now, I don't think this is gonna work out. Two days ago, I got the most on-point, incredibly well-written response to my "Airing My Grievances With The Male Population" post AND FROM A BOY, no less. Not a boy. A man. A man who took the time to write me in-depth insight that rocked my world. He told it like it is and should be. He told me what I know deep down, but lost sight of after meeting so many odd specimens of his sex. So I'm sharing it on my blog exactly as it was sent to me (with his permission, of course) for you all to read and take in. Enjoy.

"Emma,

I've read some of your stuff, originally seeing it on Postgrad problems a while back. I relate to the whole late 20s dating frustration deal. I wanted to give you an open response to your grievances that won't necessarily address you and your specific concerns (but it might), but rather a guys perspective on the general points you go into.

Grievance 1 -- the female orgasm

Any guy who isn't sexually repressed or a complete idiot knows that the clit is vital in MOST females' orgasms. Any dude you hook up with who is ignoring your clit or acting like they don't understand how you can't cum when they have shown absolutely zero attention to your clit has in all likelihood never given any woman an orgasm.

I am saying this not as some exultation of my own personal mastery of female pleasure. I like to think I'm good, but I'm not so naive as to think I get it 100% because I don't. But there's a few reasons that any normal guy in his twenties or ,god-forbid, thirties should know how to please a woman.

1. Porn -- you reference porn as a counter example as to how they might have misunderstood the workings of a female's climax (I'm going to try and mix in some other terminology for cumming just for fun here -- orgasm gets boring). The fact is, plenty of porn illuminates the importance of the clit. So again -- either these dudes are repressed and don't watch porn or at least nothing beyond the most boring shit I can think of -- OR they're idiots and can't discern simple instructions from video tutorials.

2. Women -- I'm going to guess you haven't been silent about your desire for these dudes to touch your clit. Either with your words or hands you've given some clear hints to these people that would be a good place to go to work. If you haven't then shame on you for bitching on the internet without expressing your concerns to the interested parties. But I follow you on twitter; I'm pretty sure you're straight forward enough to tell these people what you want. Other women have probably told them or hinted at some point too. If this dude has either not gotten the hint (or direct instruction) at this point, he is a moron. If he has gotten it, and chooses to willfully ignore your request then he's an asshole who has no interest in pleasing you, sexually or otherwise.

3. 2016 -- it's fucking 2016. If he hasn't come across a buzzfeed article or HBO show or just an honest conversation about sex at any point in his life, he's probably not that interesting of a person.

Now from a guy's perspective this is an interesting issue though. I like going down on girls -- not every guy does. This is no different than the fact that some girls like giving head, some girls tolerate it, some girls actively avoid it, and some girls patently refuse. Your frustration is valid in that, there is an alternative for a guy to get off, whereas you see limited options if the dude is not willing to go down on you. I can't speak for every guy, but I know my own self interest and ego demand that I want to get you off. I want you to think of me and think of the fact that I made you cum (you being some girl not you you of course).

That being said, some girls differ. Some girls you go down on or use a vibrator on or whatever, and they get theirs and then, similar to guys, they're done for a minute -- they don't want to fuck after that. That can be a downer for a dude trying to make this girl happy and trying to provide some equity when it turns out they're not going to get off, at least in the short term.

Now your argument will be that there's been a billion times in your life where the dude has cum and you haven't, and so there is some kind of double standard in the world, so he can deal with not getting off immediately. But this guy is not every other guy you've hooked up with -- he is actually making an effort, so he shouldn't be held accountable for all of the injustices man has perpetrated. You've got to have some give and take. There are options of course at that point -- but not everyone likes everything so the key is communication. What do you want? What does he want? What do you like? What does he like? How can we make this work? More importantly, how can we make this work without making it formulaic (nothing is worse than getting into a groove with a girl where you know you're gonna do A to B to C to Sleep)?

My point is that if the guy gives a shit he will want to get you off. If he doesn't know how, that can be fixed (but you should be concerned at his skill level). I'm going to go ahead and say you getting pissed about abnormal dudes might have been an angry response to some of these negative experiences you've had. But please do consider the hypocrisy of all caps screaming that a dude is abnormal if you can't get him off, but you are normal because he can't get you off. I understand there's more context to it than that, and I think my previous notes show that I'm sympathetic to your plight here, but I can't appreciate you going after these dudes and their sexual hang ups on the internet. I obviously have no idea who they are or what they did or whatever, but some people close to you probably do and that's kind of shitty.

I kind of went over the whole going down on a girl thing. Some guys love it, some guys don't, but I don't think they should be absolutely required to do it. I'd argue most girls don't LOVE going down on guys, but there are some who do and others who just won't. I can't speak to why a dude wouldn't like it and certainly not to any change in vaginal appreciation over the past decade. I enjoy it on pretty much all girls. Some people I know don't mind it. Other guys don't really want to have to do it but will. It just depends. I don't think you're going to teach some guy to love it, so if it's an absolute must for you then put it on the list next to no credit card debt and no herpes. If you really like a dude who doesn't go down on you then you gotta work with him to figure out other ways you can get off. Because if he really likes you, he's going to want to -- and whatever thing you think might be weird or uncomfortable or whatever will not be a big deal to try and will be a turn on when it works. Again, if he gives a shit then seeing you go fucking insane and writhing and trembling for the first time will give him all the incentive he needs to keep doing that.

The money. I get both of sides of this. You want to be courted, you want to feel special, and you don't want financial conversations to dictate your relationship before either of you even know if you give a shit about the other one. But he wants to know that you didn't just go out with him so you could get a free dinner at this nice ass restaurant. That doesn't mean you going to dinner and getting a free meal should mean he gets laid or any primitive shit like that. It just means that these guys have been on dates with other girls. And there are plenty of girls out there both from my own dating experience and from friends and acquaintances telling me, who have gone out with a guy just to get a free meal. It's fucked up, but it's also really easy to do. You may have never done this, you may have. I get it, but it can play with a dudes mind if he's 3 dates in and just as neurotic as you are about whether or not the girl likes him. "I'm going on $200 bucks I've spent on this girl over the past couple weeks -- is this worth it? does she like me? do I like her? Shit that would have been half way to a flight to austin for sxsw, what if she doesn't even like me?" I'm not saying every dude has those thoughts, but that the other side to that whole making you feel special thing is this guy might have experiences where he's made other girls feel special only to have them fuck him over. There are plenty of guys who have taken a girl out for dinner once or twice a week for a month (and maybe even have been sleeping with her) only to find out that she was going out with other dudes too. The counter argument is that this dude might be taking out multiple girls and sleeping with multiple girls-- which is fair, my point is that not all dudes are assholes and not all girls are saints. The personal experience of each of these people varies and they may have reasons for being guarded and tentative to just drop all this money on a girl because it has backfired in the past.

Or they might just be cheap. Which I get. Some dudes want to use the whole feminism 2016 shit as an ill conceived rationale for treating women like shit. Obviously that is wrong. I was raised in the south, and as much as a I believe in equality of the sexes, I'm going to pay for all your shit for a while. I don't even make a lot of money -- it's just how it is. If you don't have money to take a girl out on a nice dinner date then get fucking creative. I would feel like a fucking tool asking a girl to pay or even letting a girl pay on a first date (because plenty of girls have offered to split or even pay for it).

This is all just to give you some glimpse of the other side of things. All your points are well taken, and I obviously have no context on who these dudes are or how honest you're being in your representation of these situations or what type of weird shit you do on these dates (because no one is perfect -- I do weird shit too). But I wanted to give you some idea of what a late 20 something guy might think about these grievances. You may have gotten several responses of this nature, and hopefully the aggregate of them gives a clearer lens through which you can view your dalliances.

I like your writing -- it's honest. I obviously appreciated and related to your article enough to write this back, so thanks.

Good luck."

xox,
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