The Right Alcohol For Every Type Of Mood
We've all read enough Buzzfeed articles to have a working knowledge of what kind of cocktail we embody. Are you a Pina Colada (exotic as hell)? A flute of rosé (basic bitch)? Maybe a Sazerac (fucking hipster)?
But I want to serve you a different kind of cocktail today. Let's call it a cocktail of TRUTH. Which alcohols are best for certain moods? You might think you know, but you have no idea. So pull up a chair, take a seat at my virtual bar, and let me tell you which poison is best suited for your current mental state.
Pairs well with rampant PMS, raging periods, random spurts of rage, and literally anything else always because there's never a bad time to drink red wine.
Let's be honest — it really only tastes legit in warmer weather or when you are jonesing to feel like a Kardashian without the lip injections and constant partial-nudity.
Pairs well with not giving a shit and very low standards. Also when in-between pay days and needing a drink but knowing you have to settle. Works magic when needing to get drunk and quickly, general day drinking, or for chugging in times of great desperation (i.e. bad day at the office or feeling incredibly out-of-place at a party to which you were invited but feel weird being at).
Goes great with being in an annoyingly good mood. Tastes best with the outdoors, within the beginning stages of a budding relationship, and when you worked out really hard that day and are in the mood to negate it with righteous fervor. Looks best while donning cute outfit on brewery grounds.
Pairs well with feeling the need to brownout but wanting to do it properly and eloquently. Great for first-date jitters, low-calorie indulgence, coming off somewhat classy, and pretending to drink straight from the bottle in an effort to impersonate Kirsten Cohen (if you got that reference, bless you).
Tastes best when angry/spiteful/bitter. Goes wonderfully with the desire to black out, have trouble performing sexually, and to start fights for no good reason at all! To end any evening, indulge in a shot of Fireball and say goodnight (figuratively, not literally but also maybe literally because you probably need to go home).
Taste exceptional when your sole focus is nothing but getting as turnt as humanely possible. Goes really well with flashing naked body parts, loud yelling, and the need for a scapegoat on which to place blame for your outlandish behavior.
You must've had a day if you're ordering gin. However, it does fair well with the desire to come off sophisticated. Also when you need a break from vodka but don't want to stray too far from what you know. Mix with tonic and lime for best results, and by best I mean it's gonna taste like you're drinking air so go slow.
If you take nothing else away from this short, ridiculous, but hopefully somewhat entertaining post, I think we can all agree that the best alcohol for any mood is FREE alcohol. And red wine.