I Can't, Vol. 40

Holy dick. How has it been over two weeks since I last blessed you guys with my writing? I'm so sorry. What a slacker. In all honesty, shit's been busy and I've been dealing with my latest dating debacle which was a total energy-suck and left me uninspired and uncreative at the end of the day. I hate to admit that my romantic life can affect me like that, but I'm only a human with a vagina. Sometimes (all of the time), idiots come into your life and distract you from what makes you happy for a hot minute, but then you snap to and are like GTFOOH — I NEED TO WRITE. So the good news is I'M BACK, BABY. And I have things that I can't because when do I not?

I can't...

with the Apple store in general. Not only is the one less than a quarter-mile from me never not clad with a straight up LINE outside (literally, every day there's a line), but I'm not sure why they bother forcing you to make a genius bar appointment for a certain time only to actually assist you whenever they want. It's worse than a doctor's office.

I can't...

though that I saw two older people in the Apple store participating in an iPhone workshop on how to utilize its best features. It was honestly pretty damn adorable, and I may have eavesdropped and learned some things myself like Apple employees don't necessarily like when you eavesdrop on workshops and also shoo away fellow Apple employees who come too close to the workshop table.

I can't...

explain how delicious, delightful, and DAMN EASY crockpot chicken tacos are. Listen to me: get some chicken. Fresh chicken, too. Like three supple breasts of it. Get a jar of dank salsa. Lastly, get these spices and make this homemade taco seasoning I've been using for two years now: 1 tbsp chili powder, 1.5 tsp cumin, 1.5 tsp paprika, 1 tsp oregano, 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp onion powder, 1/2 tsp garlic powder, a diggity dash of cayenne. Stir that mix into the salsa, dump the salsa into a crockpot, plop those fresh breasts (not yours, the chicken's) in that shit, and cook it on LOW-LOW-LOW-LOW for 6-8 hours. You've got yourself tight AF chicken taco meat. You're welcome.

I can't...

decide whether or not I'm into All the Light We Cannot See. I'm reading it. And I don't hate it. So I guess I'll keep going (those last two thoughts kinda sum up dating someone).

I can't...

begin to fathom how hot this summer is going to be what with all the global warming and not having any sort of winter down here in Texas. Like, I'm terrified because I sweat... so, so much. Like SO much. A lot harder than your average female bear. I think that's partly why I'm sad about this recent dating letdown — if we could've just made it through the summer, I would've already had a guy interested in me rather than trying to get them to notice me through my river of sweat. I'M MORE THAN MY SWEAT, I SWEAR. PLEASE. I SMELL GOOD AND MAKE THOSE TACOS I JUST MENTIONED ^^

I can't...

believe how into Snapchat I've gotten! I never thought I'd see the day. I was pretty against it for a while because I was all "Why? I send pictures and video to my friends throughout the day anyway. What's the point?" But then I realized: filters is the point. And having another platform to overload people with All Things Emma is the point. And shit going down in the DM is the point. And now... I love it. Do you follow me? You should. Unsurprisingly, my username is icantemma.

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I can't...

make this shit up. I just killed a fucking MASSIVE mosquito flying around my house with such brutal force, I had to turn around to Cece once it was dead and pet her while whispering, "We're safe now. We're safe."

I can't...

handle that the windows in my home don't open. Like, they're actually sealed shut. Why? What's the reasoning behind this besides killing all my hopes and dreams of having fresh air every once in a while? Or being able to get the stench of crockpot chicken tacos out of my home instead of having to light 43 candles and remember to blow them all out? WHY? WHY!

I can't...

and I won't if ONE MORE PERSON mouths or signs "Slow down!" to me and my car. NO. YOU slow down. I HAVE PLACES TO BE. Glad all you people have so much leisure time on your hands and enjoy slowly and aimlessly driving your car. I HAVE NO SUCH LUXURY, SO MOVE.

I can't...

with that small pile of mail/paper you keep laying around your house and never do anything with. You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't lie. You keep telling yourself you'll file and organize it all some day soon, but you haven't. It's from six months ago or longer. Most of those bills are past due, you never even opened that one from the public radio station you donate to, and you didn't so much as glance over your explanation of benefits. But it'll stay there for another few months or so, bothering you. Getting in your way in small, annoying ways. You have no one to blame but yourself for its presence. 

I can't...

stress enough to my readership that The Characters on Netflix is something you must watch, like, yesterday. To give you a quick rundown, Netflix basically teamed up with eight up and coming comedians and gave each their own episode to showcase their, well, characters. It's genius, so entertaining, and the amount of budding stardom is almost overwhelming. The first episode is MAH GURL, Lauren Lapkus. The second is John Early. If you don't know who that is, here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4R3tU1xBKQ

I can't...

stop shopping. No really, guys. I can't. It's like my long-time shopping habit hibernated for the winter and just awoke, ravenous and ready to eat every dress, skirt, top, and pair of shoes in sight. I'm scared for myself and at the very real chance I could end up on the streets, even with a full-time job. But everything's so cute? And I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was this time last year? And I want it all? And I want it now? THOSE AREN'T QUESTIONS. THEY'RE STATEMENTS/CRIES FOR HELP.

I can't...

that this was my 40th I can't. 40?!? TIGHT.

xox,

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