28 Things I Took Away From Being 28

I do a birthday post every year, so forgive me that this is a day late (I had things to do and people to see this weekend and didn't prepare ahead of time. SO SUE ME). In keeping with the tradition of writing about the age-specific number of things being a specific age taught me, I'm going to continue the pattern with hitting you all with the 28 things I took away from being 28 for better or worse and for serious or funny, because you know I love a healthy balance of both. 1. Sometimes, all it takes to bring a group of friends together is a group text chain so lit, no one gets tired of it, opts of out it, or remembers what their life was before it (#Whataburger for life).

2. Snapchat is the shit. It's pointless and fruitless and often times dumb, but also the best time-waster out there. 

3. There is no certain age at which you HAVE to be married, engaged, with the "one," or seriously dating your next serious person. This is a daily struggle to remember with the overwhelming societal pressure and unwarranted Facebook posts that live to remind you that you seem to be the only female out there without a wedding, husband, or baby on board to show for yourself, but it doesn't matter. You have to do you and, when you do (like really do you), good things will come.

4. On the subject of LURVE, dating someone who's nice isn't fun, fulfilling, or lasting. Nice is fine but they have to be 100 things on top of being nice. If "nice" is all they bring to the table, you're going to get bored real fast. Unless you're into kid's cups of just plain vanilla — no sprinkles, no chocolate sauce, no nothing. If that's your thing, then by all means. But nice is safe and safe isn't fun. If you need to date "nice" in order to take a much needed break from "fucking asshole," fine. But don't stick with it too long.

5. Just because someone looks at you weird at work or your boss calls a short meeting with you doesn't mean you're getting fired (where all my overly paranoid peeps at?!).

6. Challenge and consistency are the only things that will get you in shape and keep you there. Consistency because nothing substantial will come of working out super hardcore for a few weeks sporadically, and challenge because once you get the consistency part down, you're going to need new moves and circuits to test you and keep you pumped up. 

7. BBG is, honest to God, the best workout program out there. Maybe not for everyone, but for most. It's the only program I've ever tried (I was a stubborn "I can workout on my own, thanks" type forever), and it showed me that a focused, centered, and reliable program can take you as far as you're willing to go with getting in shape and growing strong. Proof pictured below.


8. Chemistry is a weird thing and you literally cannot fight it or mistake it. It's either there or it isn't, and when it is, WHEWWWWWWWIE! Buckle up for either the best ride of your life (physically) or maybe the worst ride of your life (emotionally) or both or neither or one but the not the other or something.

9. Being ashamed of being on mental health medication isn't a thing, er, shouldn't be a thing anymore. People are messed up, man. It's hard being a human. Some people are lucky enough to be more level-headed and even keel, but for those of us who were blessed with a messy, anxious, overly-analytical, neurotic, never-quiet brain, it's okay to embrace it and HELP it. Seriously. We're the normal ones. All those other people who seem to cope just fine... they're the abnormal, weird ones. Sometimes medicine helps and there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, shit — Advil helps your headaches, Pepcid helps your early onset heartburn, and sometimes anxiety medication helps you function like a person who can take normal breaths and think more clearly and THAT'S OK.

10. Podcasts are the tech world's greatest gift to humans and should be treated as such. Subscribe to them all, listen to them all, love them all. PODCASTS ARE LIFE.

11. Flossing is so annoying, but so imperative if you don't want to have disgusting breath and poor gum health. I swear I'm not a dentist (for real, I'm not), but floss. Yes, it will look like a graphic, slaughterhouse, murder scene in your mouth for the first week or so, but that's because your gums were literally begging you for this and you hath forsaken them all this time.

12. That one person you thought you'd stalk via social media forever? You'll stop. It'll happen suddenly and without warning, but one day, you'll realize you haven't perused their page in a while, and you'll feel proud and somewhat less crazy. It's a great feeling. Own it.

13. Getting used to eating cleaner is a rocky road, but you can do it if you put your mind to it. And just because you decide to start this new, healthier lifestyle doesn't mean you're going to starve to death and never get to indulge ever again. Your body just needs some time to readjust to what it feels like to not be so full you want to kill yourself, and that takes a second. Learn to love vegetables so queso tastes even more rewarding.

14. If nothing else about me is on fleek that day, my eyebrows will be and that's really all I need. A life without eyebrow filler is one I lived for a very long time, and now, they're the first thing I make sure are on point before anything else. Get your eyebrow game on lock and reap the benefits of newly founded confidence. 

15. Quest bars are disgusting.

16. Prescription drug companies suck and I hate dealing with them so, so much. Mail order is the bane of my existence.

17. The only constant is change, and that's something I definitely struggle with when change comes up. I like routine and I like patterns, so change (BIG change, too. Not small stuff) throws me for a loop/kicks my anxious nature into high gear. Of course, it always works out but it can be hard to remember that when you're in the thick of a change-induced panic attack.

18. Curling natural curls is a thing and makes your curls even better. I've struggled with my natural ringlets for years, literally never knowing how my hair would look from day to day. But, this year, my sister introduced me to the most magical curling wand and changed my approach to bad/questionable hair days forever. I still let my natural freak flag curls fly, of course. But it's nice to have options, amiright?


19. I can't tell you how many times someone has referred to me as Ilana from Broad City. The frequency at which it happens is now bi-weekly. Even my own father said I'm her. At first, I was like "But why? I don't smoke weed." But the more I watch and love the show, I understand. Plus, on top of being hilarious, her body is LIT so I'm not even a little mad.

20. Threading is legit. You know, like, getting your eyebrows or misstache threaded rather than waxed or plucked. I'm not sure it's better than either or more effective, but it's cheap and fast and the results are the same so I'm about it.

21. You can enjoy "private sessions" on Spotify if you're too embarrassed to let your followers see that you're jamming out to Britney Spears or Life House, but why? Just own it. We all listen to shitty stuff from time to time. Sometimes the urge to sing along to throwback songs that should've never been produced is an itch that needs to be scratched, and you shouldn't have to hide it.

22. In my opinion, Twitter is the hardest platform to be heard or seen on which makes me hate it, of course. I have so many 140-character nuggets of gold that are wasted in the deep abyss of that social media medium, and it's sad. Twitter and I just don't do it for each other.

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23. I fucking hate cottage cheese. I dared myself to try it this year and validated my life-long sneaking suspicion that I would detest it. NEVER AGAIN.

24. Bulleit Bourbon is my favorite whiskey. You should try it.

25. Tide Pods suck. I mean, they don't suck, but I don't like them. If you were contemplating trying them out, heed my advice and stick to liquid detergent. 

26. It's hard to live by, but TRY (just TRY) to not be inexplicably mean to strangers. I know the saying is cliché, that you never know what someone might be going through so to treat everyone with kindness, but it's so true. Yeah, maybe they're the one who was throwing you shade, but maybe they just broke up with someone or put their dog down or find out a family member is sick. I know it's only natural to want to be an asshole when someone is an asshole to you/when you see someone or something you don't like, but practice the level to which you're an asshole in those moments.

27. Those really big bugs that LOOK like mutant mosquitoes, aren't. They're Crane flies, and they actually serve to eat mosquitoes. So. I've killed several thinking I'm saving myself and my dog from Zika, but really... I was doing no such thing. I'm just a monster, and I probably have Zika now.

28. God is super lit (Rihanna taught me that).



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