My Very Necessary List Of Summer Essentials
No one asked me, but I curated a list of summer essentials for you all anyway because I think my opinion on the matter counts. Summer in Texas is hard. As great as it can be what with its abundant amount of pools, booze, and summer lovin', it's also very sweaty and sticky and sometimes the heat feels never-ending and like it's basically out to make you the most unattractive creature known to man. And although I can appreciate fashion bloggers and their summertime posts involving cute sunnies, over-priced beach towels you'll inevitably end up using to dry off your dog, and intricate one-piece swimsuits that only look good on stick figures, my list of summertime essentials is real because that's the only way I know to be. The following are what I consider necessary items to have if you want to beat the heat in maybe a not-so-cute but very logical way. Gold Bond Friction Defense
Can I get a HELL YEAH from all my ladies who have never known the sensation of your upper thighs NOT touching? This. Shit. Is. Everything. I'm telling you, it's life changing for ladies with thighs that are attached at the, well, thigh? Let's be real — chaffing happens. It's painful and rubby and raw and OMG you feel like your thighs are siamese twins. This shit right here WILL CHANGE THAT. Don't be ashamed if your eyes and ears just perked up — this is reality. You'd actually be more foolish to not just get over yourself and invest in one of these sticks. It looks just like deodorant, but has no scent and goes on like a dream. Rub it all over your inner thighs like a freak, put on that adorable summer dress, and revel in FEELING NOTHING BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS UNLESS YOU WANT IT THERE (AKA A PENIS). It has changed the chaffing game for good. Trust.
I've written about this stuff at least two other times. It pains me that I originally read about it from the Man Repeller seeing as though we had a falling out (in my world, not hers), but years later, I'm still swearing by this green tube of magic. It's literally perfect, y'all. Not only is it wonderful for making out because it does not come off (I mean it does, but not like regular lipstick), but the color is a perfect sun-kissed pink. Goes great with fair skin, tan skin, acne-ridden skin, skin of your enemy, WHATEVER! It stays on, looks great on just about anybody, and since it comes in a freaking 12-pack, you can have one in literally every corner of your life. I think each of my purses plus my backpack plus my bathroom plus my gym bag plus maybe even the nooks and crannies of my home in corners I have yet to explore all have a tube lying in wait.
Deep Eddy Lemon Vodka
Last year, it was all about the Ruby Red Grapefruit flavor. But this year, according to me, Deep Eddy Lemon is where. it's. at. Of course, the grapefruit is still just as delightful, but this essentially replaces your tired vodka waters with lemons and limes with something way snazzier. All you need is the vodka itself and some soda and BAM — tasty town all up in your mouth. Also drunk town since, like every other flavor of Deep Eddy, you can't taste the actual alcohol element one bit. GET YOU SUM AND PUT IT UP IN YOUR FREEZER!
Yeah, this is sort of a no-brainer. Leave-in conditioner during the summer is obviously very essential for happy, healthy, not chlorine-suffocated strands. However, as someone with super dry, curly hair that sheds like I'm a balding middle-aged man, finding the best and right kind of leave-in conditioner has been a feat. Well, I'm here to announce yarok — a weird-ass line of hair care whose shower conditioner sucks but leave-in conditioner ROCKS. It's expensive, I know. But your hair is worth it. Of course, haircare products work differently on everyone. I just know from firsthand experience that this stuff is my long-lost love. I need it and only it when I'm in an air-drying-only kind of mood. Again, the normal conditioner is the worst. Don't bother.
Real talk: after spending an entire day outside in the heat, day drinking and sweating, things get ripe. Don't look at me like that — you know I'm right. Stop trying to act like you're all flowers and fruit in your armpits and nether regions after a 90º day of beer and tacos. You're most likely spicy AF. You know it, I know it, and your friends probably also know it. Sometimes, when you're going hard in the paint and can't take a break to run home and shower yourself off, you need something quick and easy with a good odor and a solid reputation for working well. I give you SWIPE. I somehow found these last summer and was immediately a believer. I carry them in my purse throughout the summer. Their scent is a delightfully fresh bouquet of clean, and they go a long way. Wipe it here, wipe it there, wipe it virtually anywhere and stop offending yourself and others with your summertime stank.
Got it? Good. Now, go rub, apply, chug, spray, and wipe to your summer heart's content. Think I missed an essential that you swear by? Comment and tell us all what it is!