There Are 42 Types Of People In The World
People can be broken down into one of two categories out of millions of categories. This is an exercise in doing so.
There are two types of people in the world...
Girls who wall squat over a toilet seat and girls who slam their ass down like they own the place without a second thought.
And, on that note: those who use one of those flimsy, pointless toilet seat protectors and those who recognize just how odd and worthless they truly are.
Those who wear coats when it's cold outside and those who can't be bothered and are always half-sprinting from the car to the door.
Those who have Spotify and fucking weirdos.
Those who hit snooze at least a few times each morning and MONSTERS.
Those who watched Friends and those who watched Seinfeld (even if you watched both, you loved one more and I think we ALL KNOW which one makes you a better human).
Those who love Hamilton and those who haven't given in... yet. But you will. Trust me. I am NOT throwing away my SHOT.
Those who do well on Twitter and the rest of us (Seriously, it's the most difficult social media platform to be heard on. It's like standing in a room full of pretty girls when you felt like you looked semi decent that night and just getting lost in the sea of attractive) (That was a weird example) (But, hey. Follow me on Twitter?)
Those who religiously check Snapchat every hour on the hour and those who wait until the very end of the day when they're snuggled in bed to sift through all the entertaining bullshit in one, fell swoop that ends up taking up 20 minutes of their precious life. Or those who don't check it but once every few days. I see you and I know who you are.
Those who pack a lunch in an effort to be responsible and frugal and actually eat it and those who pack a lunch in an effort to be responsible and frugal, but when the time comes for lunch, they hate everything about the thought of it and end up getting Chipotle (...hi).
Men who respond to you being on your period like this: "So?" and men who respond like this: "Oh, ugh. NVM."
Those who migrate toward candle scents like "Marshmellow Covered Cookie Cake" and "Butternut Brownie Pie" and those who aren't trying to be tempted by a fucking candle and just buy normal scents.
Those who started thinking about Christmas presents a month ago and those who are going to be panic-shopping over the next few days.
Those who understand how hilarious this is and other, subpar humans.
Those who let their dried laundry sit in the dryer for days on end and those who I guess have their lives together and unwrinkled clothing to speak to, but I wouldn't know what that's like.
Those who are already planning a blowout NYE complete with sparkly clothing, tons of champagne, and inflated cover costs and those who are 28+ (I would say 25+, but 26 and 27 are still pretty stupid years).
Those who walk with purpose in a crowded mall setting and those who NEED TO GTFO OF MY WAY NOW. OMG MOVE.
Those who shower every day and those who have learned the equation of a subtle yet very effective whore's bath (baby wipes + dry shampoo + enough perfume so you can smell it but aren't suffocating from it, otherwise it's a dead giveaway).
Those who make it a point to wish you a politically correct "Happy Holidays" and those (including my Jewish self) who are like "🙄. MERRY. CHRISTMAS. Because we all know it reigns. Why are we trying to pretend otherwise?"
Those who watch "Atlanta" and understand the depth of genius the BAN episode was and will understand the below picture and those who need to GET ON IT.
Those who are going home for the holidays and excited about it and normal, cynical, somewhat dark but always funny humans who come from somewhat dysfunctional families that tend to try their patience after two days. Godspeed, everyone. AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.