So Much Has Changed: The Tale of Your Early 20s vs Your Early 30s
One of the (many) ways I tend to feel my age (even though we all know 31 is the new 21) is when I see/hear younger people carrying out behaviors that I once used to partake in but now scoff at — ya know, like staying up late, drinking BOTH nights of the weekend, still having a roommate, being able to eat whatever they want without it instantly showing up on their thigh, etc etc etc. And the thing is, I don't scoff because I'm jealous or nostalgic for that time in my life. In fact, I often express that you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to my early to mid 20s. I scoff in a "you know nothing, Jon Snow" type of way because I'm naturally a cynical person and I just can't help myself.
But it's in these moments where I feel most my age because all I can think is "how different even the littlest things are now compared to back then." So, naturally, I had to pull them into a list and share with you guys so I know I'm not alone in having evolved into who I am today when it comes to, well, everything. For example...
Friday night, early 20s:
"Dinner for 2 hours, pregame at my place for 3 hours then call the Uber around 12? Perf."
Friday night, early 30s:
"I haven't washed my hair in 4 days, I'm in sweats, I refuse to put on a bra, and I'm heading over with a bottle of red. Unlock your door and have a blanket ready for me."
Bedtime, early 20s:
No earlier than 12am and even that's kind of lame.
Bedtime, early 30s:
No later than 10:30pm and even that's kind of late.
Makeup, early 20s:
Tinted moisturizer IS full coverage, bronzer is God, IDK how to manipulate lipstick to my advantage just yet but I'm trying, and being caught without eyeliner is basically asking for the "You look tired!" line, you stupid wench.
Makeup, early 30s:
Nothing but my eyebrows are done and I am GOOD 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼 GO 👏🏼
THE SMALL THINGS, early 20s:
OMGOMGOMG. STARBUCKS HAS UNICORN DRINKS! I'M DYYYYYING.
THE SMALL THINGS, early 30s:
OMGOMGOMG. MY BLANKET LADDER CAME IN AND IT'S LITERALLY PERFECT. MY BLANKETS LOOK SO GOOD. EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW GOOD MY BLANKETS LOOK! (But honestly. Look at it).
STANDARDS, early 20s:
Hot. Hilarious. Likes the same music. Likes the same movies. Hot. Good kisser. Likes my posts. Has drama. Is an asshole. Says he loves me in no less than a month. Hot.
STANDARDS, early 30s:
Great job. Good family. Has 401k. Has a car. Hilarious. Empathetic (i.e. asks how my day was). Makes reservations. Attractive.
Dates, early 20s:
"What kind of music do you listen to? Do you like avocado? Ok, but do you like it or LOVE it? What are you thinking about right now? What's your IG? Have you tried that Everything But The Bagel seasoning? I put it on everything. Wait, gimme your phone. I'm gonna add you on Snap. Wanna meet my parents next week but break up in the next 3 days? Perf."
Dates, early 30s:
"What's your career trajectory? How's your 401k situation? Do you want kids? How many? By when? Can you put 20% down on a house right now? What complexes did you develop in childhood that I should keep an eye out for? Also, what's your IG?"
Happy Hour, early 20s:
5p-12a on a Wednesday.
Happy Hour, early 30s:
That hour between 5:30-6:30 when you lay pantsless on your couch, aimlessly scrolling through IG until you have to get up and "get things done" around the house.
Eating healthy, early 20s:
Do it for 3 days, lose 5 pounds, go down a full jean size, and brag about how easy it is and how you're basically an expert in all things health now.
Eating healthy, early 30s:
Reserve the majority of Sunday afternoon to meal planning/prepping, convince yourself you PREFER veggie noodles > pasta, down any liquid that proclaims to be good for you (e.g. Kombucha, coconut water, celery juice, really any raw juice, bulletproof coffee, et. al.), and pep talk yourself about portion control every single day to no avail all to lose roughly 1lb/month because life is unfair and so are aging metabolisms.
FUCK BOYS, early 20s:
"Like I KNOW he's the devil and treats me like shit and has no intent and I cry about him at least 3x a week, but I KNOW I CAN CHANGE HIM. I'm the girl who will be the game changer. So I'm going to keep putting myself through this. Also, the sex is insane."
FUCK BOYS, early 30s:
N/A because THEY AREN'T EVEN ON OUR RADAR, HENNY.
Canceled plans, early 20s:
Devastation, depression, desperation. Texting every other option you have (even acquaintances and frenemies) to try and find backup plans. Questioning your life, likability, and the purpose of everything, really.
Canceled plans, early 30s:
Celebration! Relief! Pure unadulterated joy! You send an "Ugh! That sucks but I totally understand. Rain check for SURE" text from your bed which you were laying in dreading the plans, get up, give yourself a heavy pour of wine, and get back in bed with the only plan you'd never cancel on: Netflix.