What PMDD Sounds Like
Almost exactly two months ago, I was smack in the middle of a horrific PMDD wave. If you aren’t familiar, PMDD is essentially PMSx100. Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder is every bad symptom of regular ole PMS but with deep depression, anxiety, and an overall hopeless outlook on life mixed in that knocks you out for a week or two before your period. PMDD runs in my family, and I had no idea that’s what I suffered from until I attempted to get off anti-depressants and realized how much I needed them.
I’ve gotten my disorder down to a semi-science; that is, I know it’s REALLY bad every other month. It’s a feeling in my chest and mind that (I’ve learned) cannot be mistaken for anything other what it is. And, because it’s only really bad every other month and it’s been 2 months since it was bad… SHE BACK.
The below is what I wrote almost exactly two months ago today, and it’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. Today. These feelings always live within me, but PMDD really knows how to bubble them up to the very top, typically resulting in tears, extreme anxiety, and sadness. I wanted to share it on my blog so anyone else dealing with PMDD or who thinks they might have it or has ever felt anything similar to the below knows you AREN’T alone. We all have horrible, dark days, whether they’re brought on by a disorder, an event, or just a mood. But it doesn’t mean we ARE those bad days. We’re so much more than our bad days, but that can feel impossible to believe when you’re smack in the middle of one. Like me. Today. I know you’ll read the below and say things like “WHAT? NO EMMA. OMG. STOP IT. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE,” and that’s what I want you to do and to remember next time YOU’RE having a day like today.
Written on February 25, 2019:
today is a bad day. everything is terrible, yet nothing is terrible. i have a great job. i have good friends. my family is above average. i’m not ugly. but today, i feel none of those things. today, all i can focus on is that my 32nd birthday is creeping in. it’s so close. all i can focus on is that my 4 best friends are married, one has a baby, and all my friends outside of that are coupled. all i can focus on is how i don’t have one 30something single friend to call my own. not one. not one other female in my immediate vicinity who, too, has been through hell and back with dating and loved and lost and is a catch, but just hasnt found her person yet. all i can focus on is i think ive lost my spark. my charm. whatever it used to be that drew men to me - it’s gone. maybe it’s because i chopped my hair. or maybe my insecurity about being “older” now is palpable and is picked up on by even the densest of dallas douche bags. all i can focus on is i don’t belong here. i’m not anyone’s type in this city and no one is mine. but do i move? do i really have to uproot my entire life and move somewhere else to find love? that seems really unfair. all i can focus on is how i ache to love. why am i not enough for anyone? is it the curls? my stomach? my lipstick? am i way more terrible than i give myself credit for? am i “meh”? boring? blah? or just the opposite. i’m so outside the outline of the perfect cookie cutter that i’m unapproachable. i dont have long, luxurious, perfectly-curled hair. i dont wear over the knee boots with jeans and weigh 100 pounds. i dont carry a designer bag. i dont wear highlighter every time im in public. in fact, most times i throw on sweats and hit trader joe’s braless to get sunday’s groceries. all i can focus on is im unloveable. sure, my audience loves me. i tell it like it is. i put it all out there. i say what so many aren’t willing to. but is that the very reason im alone? because i offer no mystery? because i cant keep my mouth shut? because the terms “demure” or “ladylike” have almost never been used in the same sentence as my name? is it because Jewish? that definitely has something to do with it. a Jew living in the bible belt who wasn’t Jewish enough for the Jewish community but is too Jewish for everyone else. all i can focus on is i dont fit in anywhere. with anyone. not even my friends anymore. im on an island and have no idea how to get off of it. every good looking guy ive swiped right on , we dont match. why would we? i’m a short, curvy, jewish girl with curly hair. i dont belong here.