Blood, Sweat, Tears and Sunshine: My 13 Summertime Essentials

Summa summa summa summatime. You may not know this about me, but I run hot. Like, really hot. Like, it’s very rare for me to ever claim that I’m cold, and almost every time a friend comes over to my place, they complain about how freezing it is. And like, I’m sorry about that but there is a MAJOR DIFFERENCE between 69º and 71º in my house and I feel that difference INSTANTLY. So, if you’re coming over, bring a coat.

ANYWAY. The summers in Texas are a different kind of beast that, even after all these years of living through them, I still can’t seem to fully adapt to. According to some Darwin shit, I feel like my body and sweat glands should’ve evolved by now and built up some new defenses to fight the heat after 20 years, but it hasn’t. I still sweat POOLS and have witnesses who will testify that I’ve 100% sweated THROUGH jean shorts before. My crotch is my biggest problem area from June-August in Texas, and it’s really disappointing for everyone.

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I don’t know why I’m talking about sweat so much, because this summer essentials blog post is not just about sweat. Like, at all. It’s just what I associate summer with, I guess? This post is me listing out what I consider absolute essentials when it comes to summertime, no matter if you’re melting in Texas heat or somewhere else. I’m not gonna bullshit you and put a bunch of things on this list that I don’t really use or literally require for the summertime. I’m gonna shoot you straight because that’s how I do, and I would hope you’d know that by now. So, in no particular order, here’s what I SUGGEST you have hanging around for the impending unrelenting months of heat ahead.

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  1. A rock solid pair of jean shorts. I can never decide what’s the harder buy: jean shorts or bikinis. I just know that I’ve tried MANY A SHORT, and these exact ones from Madewell are my tried and trues. Perfect length, perfect high waist, fit 100% true to size, the end. I recommend them with all my heart and thighs. I WILL ADMIT that I just ordered Abercrombie’s highly-rated and reviewed ones, but I don’t have them just yet so I can’t testify. Check back with me in a week or so.

  2. A bright, long-lasting pink lipstick. I’ve been wearing this crap for YEARS now, and every summer, it’s my go-to. It’s an aloe-based lipstick that looks green, but goes on pink and it both moisturizes and beautifies your lips in one sweep. Plus, it stays the fuck on. I’d almost call it a stain? Anyway, buy the entire pack on Amazon and marvel as you use it all up in the next couple of years. I bring it with me to the pool all summer-long.

  3. A solid red lipstick. Just in case you want to switch it up from the pink, having a perfect red to go with your tan is vital. My go-to red has been Jungle Red by NARS for a long time now, and it’s in my purse all summer right next to the greenpink stuff.

  4. A perfect pair of gold hoops. You’ll never catch me in high heels by the pool, but you will most definitely see me rocking hoops. I mean, why not? There’s a hoop for literally every occasion, and how can you NOT call laying by the pool in a fire swimsuit, rocking greenpink or red lips and hoops an occasion? If you’re in the mood to splurge, Jennifer Fisher makes a fantastic, INCREDIBLY lightweight (I think it’s sorcery) but mildly expensive gold hoop (they were a birthday gift from my sis). If you want a hoop but are a bit more fiscally reserved, these Madewell ones are the OG. Really, you can’t go wrong with any gold hoop. Hoop it up.

  5. A game plan for chaffing and sweaty groins. WHAT? Don’t look at me like that! I’ve got thighs that touch all day long, and an extremely sweaty crotch. It’s not fair, but they’re the cards I’ve been dealt and have to deal with, and I do so with Megababe products. Their anti-chaffing stick is an actual lifesaver, and I use it 365 days a year more or less. They just came out with DOWN THERE wipes, and I am SO EXCITED about it. I’ve already bought a box and fully plan on keeping a handful of individual wipes in my purse AT ALL TIMES. You never know when you’re gonna need a quick swipe and go, especially as a blunt AF single 30something, am I right?

  6. An adorable, carry-all handbag. I can’t tell y’all how many compliments I’ve gotten on this little black number from Target. Ellen and I spotted it months ago, I totally forgot about it, and wouldn’t you know that the queen herself remembered and gave it to me for my birthday?! I love it so much. Be sure to search your zip code to see where it’s avail.

  7. A mosquito-repellent mood. I just invested in citronella tiki torches and intense yard spray for my backyard AND got a bag of these bracelets at the recommendation of my sister. They last up to 72 hours, and so far, they seem to be keeping the worst bugs ever invented away from me. I plan to essentially use them as wrist bands for entry into my backyard all summer. It’s the least I can do.

  8. A few pairs of biker shorts. No, not to wear on their own (although, I can and will and have and I love that look when done correctly). I discovered a few summers ago that wearing biker shorts under my cute summer dresses and skirts REALLY helps with my crotch sweat. So, if you suffer like I do, I suggest stocking up on a few pairs so you can still feel cute and confident even when your thighs are rubbing together and you might as well be wearing soaking wet bikini bottoms. IT HELPS.

  9. A good pair of slides. Specifically, rubber Birkenstocks. Y’all. Hear me out. THEY ARE THE BEST. I got a pair of black ones 2-3 summers ago, and they still remain my FAVORITE pair of sandals to throw on, whether I’m going to the pool or not. You can totally pair them with a casual-cool outfit or crown them your pool/beach slides. I actually have used mine to hang out at Barton Springs in Austin because of all the rocks. They’re just so fabulous. I can’t recommend them enough.

  10. A white tee. You can never have too many, especially during the summertime. Jean shorts, white tees, slides, lipstick, and hoops is what it boils down to for me in the summer re: fashion. I fucking love Everlane’s basic crew-neck tees. In fact, the other week while I was out at dinner, a much older woman employed her husband to ask me where my plain white tee was from, and wouldn’t you know it was the Everlane one! “It just is so WHITE and looks so lightweight and great.” I know, girl. I know.

  11. A bikini you feel fucking great in. My motto in life? If you find something you love and feel great in and it comes in several colors, BUY THEM ALL. That’s how I am with this bikini from JCREW. The cut is insanely flattering (standard bikini rise BUT with a high-cut leg, which makes all the difference), so I ended up getting a black, red, and olive green one and have no regrets. They’re just so easy to wear, I know I feel good in them, and I don’t have to stress or think about it when pool day rolls around. What more could a lady ask for?

  12. A lifetime supply of Topo Chico. For my readers not from Texas and unaware of the world’s best sparkling water ever, allow me. Topo Chico isn’t just your average Perrier/La Croix type sparkling water. Fuck that. Topo is legit mineral water that is so goddamn bubbly, you won’t even believe what hit you. It’s not only insanely refreshing on its own (ice cold, duh), but it’s the basis of the best summertime (and really any time) cocktail: Ranch Water. Ranch Water is simply Topo + good quality tequila + fresh squeezed lime juice (not like a slice of lime as a garnish. Legit lime juice). That’s it. Cover the rim in Tajin and thank me later when you remember to because they go down so smooth and are so delicious, you may be in a drunken stupor all summer.

  13. A BLUNT IDGAF ATTITUDE. It’s summer, bitch. Do you. Be you. You want a bikini body? Put a bikini on your body and LFG.

The Blunt Bitch has spoken.