I Can't, Vol. 31

I really dread the day saying "I can't" or "I literally can't" goes out of style. If you read that and are thinking, "Uh. It died like last year," well then, sir, clearly you aren't our kind and you can GTFO.

I CAN'T...

when you make some sort of joke about killing yourself or telling someone they'll "die" if they watch this funny thing, and whoever you just said either thing to is a fucking weirdo with no sense of humor and is like "Well gosh. I sure hope that doesn't happen! Ha!" Like get out of here.

I CAN'T...

how people are so hellbent about going to one brunch place, that they are willing to stand and wait for hours while there's a perfectly delicious second option a few feet away. This happened this past weekend when my friend and I went to brunch. We were sitting on the covered, wraparound patio at this one place, while we watched countless patrons get turned away or turned off by the wait at the super popular place next door. Then it started pouring rain on all the idiots waiting outside for a table, and we laughed and cheersed our mimosas and made obnoxiously loud delighted noises while eating our food. Just kidding. We didn't have mimosas.

I CAN'T...

when I'm trying to take a selfie and there are so many potholes and bumps in the road. CLEAN UP YOUR STREETS SO I CAN SELFIE IN PEACE, DALLAS!

I CAN'T...

No, really. I just can't. Maybe I can expand on why I can't later, but for right now, I can't.

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I CAN'T...

justify the number of bathing suits I bought this season. It makes no sense. First of all, it's been raining for 3 straight years in Texas. Second, it's not like I go to pool parties. I have, like, three friends. They know what I look like naked, so they're obviously not my target audience when donning a new bathing suit. I also have a boyfriend who has seen me hunched over, rolls out, unshowered. I can't surprise him much anymore at this point. Third, I'm not going on any beach vacations this summer (maybe) and even if I do, who am I going with? Oh, that's right. EVERYONE I JUST LISTED. At this point, I'm starting to wonder why I even tried to get in shape for "bikini season." I guess I'll just look fucking awesome for winter, and cover up my hard work with oversized sweaters.

I CAN'T...

with GAP. Poor GAP. 140 stores will be closing this year because they just cannot figure their shit out. It makes me sad since GAP has forever been apart of my life. First with the GAP lunch bags (yes, I had one). Then with the GAP branded pullover sweatshirt hoodies that you'd tuck your knees into and chew up the hoody drawstrings beyond recognition. Then, from college until recently, the one credit card my mom gave me to use, resulting in about 75% of my wardrobe being GAP... until she made me start paying her back. Since then, I won't even make eye contact with that card. Maybe that's the problem. Oh my god. I'm why GAP is failing. My mother should be ashamed.

I CAN'T...

with light-colored nail polish. I have tried so many times, but for whatever reason, it never works out for me. It looks messy, takes longer to dry since you usually need 3 coats instead of 2, and is overall just too high-maintenance for me. You think you've done your nails perfectly, gave them two hours to dry, go to bed, and wake up with this shit:

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Like WTF is that??? Did my middle finger get in a knife fight while I slept? Did a cat come in and scratch JUST at that middle finger? Was my dog taking imprints of something? I don't understand.

I CAN'T...

with how thin everyone's fingers seem to be. Every friend I have with an engagement or wedding ring is like "It's a 5." I'm like... oh. Because mine will be an 8. But that's cool I guess. I still attempt to try theirs on and get it halfway down my pinky before giving up. 

I CAN'T...

that "IDFWU" has a random clap of thunder toward the end of the song? What is that? I thought I was perhaps mistaking it for the weather outside since, like mentioned earlier, IT'S ALWAYS RAINING IN DALLAS. But no. I just went back and checked and it is 100% there.

I CAN'T...

with couples who seem to CONSTANTLY be traveling. Like, how? How do you have the money? How are you getting so many vacation days? How are you so organized and able to plan these things? Are you really that spontaneous? Are you guys really that wealthy? Have y'all ever, like, sat at home on a Friday night in your sweats, both unshowered, eating pizza, laying on each other, and had fat dirty sex? Are you guys literally this glamorous? Do you guys get in fights on vacation? But, really, how do BOTH of you have this much PTO to burn? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT JET SETTING COUPLES.

I CAN'T...

with Chris Crocker. Say what you want about him, but his talent to record impromptu rants is incredible. No editing. Barely any stumbles. One take and he's golden. Plus, he's fucking hilarious:

 

I CAN'T...

when people post about a television show on social media as its happening or directly after. Like, who are these people? Have they no sense of social awareness? You understand that probably 95% of America now watches shows they recorded or On Demand, right? You're part of the 5% (which, by the way, includes you and grandparents) that still rush home to catch their show live. Just because you're "more dedicated" and watched it in real-time doesn't mean ANYONE ELSE DID. So these spoilers who want to announce their dedication to the show by writing statuses that basically ruin it for everyone else who is normal and hasn't gotten around to watching it just yet are just straight up assholes. I think there should be a 48-hour rule. You have two FULL days to watch the most recent episode, and if you haven't made time by hour 49, that's your own damn fault and people can start social media discussions about the episode's happenings. And I think we all know EXACTLY what I'm talking about with this rant.

I CAN'T...

about John Snow.

LULZ.

xox,

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