I Can't, Vol. 50

This is a monumental moment, y'all. This "I Can't" is my 50th. That's right. I've carried on 49 other times about things I just cannot handle, and I don't plan on stopping now! This volume is going to be even sweeter since it's been a while since my last list of things I Can't, so buckle up for what's sure to be a diatribe of nonsense.

I can't...

(and I feel like I speak for the majority of tastefully flirtatious but consciously conservative females) with our jean short options in 2017. Y'all. Why THE FUCK is literally EVERY pair of shorts up to your belly button whilst also hugging your vagina lips and butt hole? WHY. When did this become the thing, and where are all the normal shorts hiding?! My friend and I have been lamenting about this for a week and made a pact that whoever finds a decent pair of normal jean shorts must share the info with the other because, clearly, this is not a one-woman job. So, upon finding this pair, I sent her the link before noticing the description on the product.

Long. LONG denim shorts. These shorts are LONG. SO long. The longest. Shorts aren't meant to be this long nowadays, so we want to make sure you know how LONG they are. You're probably looking for cute shorts, so we made sure to call out that these aren't cute — they're LONG. Long shorts for old, fat people probably. I mean, how much longer than mid-thigh can you get? It's like, might as well just wear jeans at this point, AMIRITE? 😑 I can't. Have fun with all your NOT long shorts this summer, young thots. Can't wait to see all of your ass cheeks and vag lips (omg I sound 70).

I can't...

handle the watermelon flavor infused beer trend that I'm already seeing for this summer. And by "I can't," I obviously mean I very much CAN. And will. So far, I've seen Leinenkugel's Watermelon Shandy and New Belgium's Juicy Watermelon. I found the Kug's at a Kroger and the Belg at Trader Dick's. So, GET CHU SUM.

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I can't...

tell you I loved the Native deodorant I got a while back because I didn't. I'm sure it works wonders on girls with normal levels of sweat and body odor, but when you're up against a hairy Jewish girl with pheromones made of steel, it's worthless. I loved the fresh, delicious scent but my armpits were like "lol wat?" and did their thing anyway. Therefore, I had to go back to my Mitchum clinical bullshit. Then, while visiting me over my birthday weekend, my sister was like "Happy birthday! Also, you need a new deodorant. The one you wear smells powdery and weird." So I found myself ONCE AGAIN at a loss for what to swipe all up in my troublesome armpits. That is until I found Degree's clinical deoin the "Summer Strength" scent. I was all HELL YEAH, these pits need some serious summer strength for the summer sweat that's about to swim down my saucy... pits. It smells like a dream and works. So if you struggle like I do, this could be for you. 

I can't...

find the best way to clean my old hardwood floors (no this isn't some sort of metaphor. It's very literal), and it's plaguing me. I'm not into wet Swiffers but I also am not trying to get down with an old school mop. Someone help.

I can't...

with the fail that was this Free People jumpsuit I ordered a few weeks back. IN MY DEFENSE, not only did it look adorable on a couple of fashion bloggers via stylized Instagram shots which craftily hid the over-the-top clown leg silhouette (i.e. it looks when you're sitting), but I also happened to order it on my last morning in Tulum when I had spent the past 12 hours shitting and vomiting. So, CLEARLY, I wasn't right in the head but I really didn't expect the jumpsuit to be this ridiculous. The sherbet colors got me. They always do.

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I can't...

ever seem to find a solid answer for the whole "share one interesting fact about yourself" prompt that seems to follow you around your entire life. It sort of goes back to what I was saying the other week about how everyone feels like a lame, boring loser. On a day-to-day basis, I think I'm interesting, sure. But if you put me on the spot and ask me to prove why I'm interesting, I suddenly realize I'm not. Like, at all. However, it hit me the other day that my answer albeit not what I could call interesting but more so appalling and shock value could be "I hate Justin Timberlake. I hate his face, his music, his life choices. All of it. If he knocked on my door today, I would dry heave in his face and turn him away." Yeah. I said it and I mean it. COME AT ME, BRO.

I can't...

with this old school picture of Kellyanne Conway that surfaced on the internet and how it seems no one really talked about it? Like, are we just all so distracted with the Orange Monster firing everyone and making a mockery of life as we know it that this gem of a photo flew completely under our radar? If yes, then here.

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I can't...

believe I'm putting this out there but with summer coming in hot, if any female out there has a surefire remedy for extraneous crotch sweat, HIT A SISTER UP ASAP. Mama needs solutions AND FAST. Not for me, obviously. For someone else. So, let me know. Cool bye.

Also, NEWSLETTER #5 goes out Friday! Have you subscribed yet? You should. Ok bye for real this time.

xox,

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