I Can't, Vol. 54

I decided to make you guys a little hump day treat in the form of a new list of things I Can't because I'm not a regular blogger, I'm a cool blogger.

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I CAN'T...

with these workout + wine jokes. They are so fucking stupid and make me roll my eyes so hard, I can see my brain. Like. We get it. The majority of adult women, ages millennial to probably mid-50s, enjoy wine and hate working out. But your wine workouts aren't realistic and they would never happen and they make women look incapable of being motivated to perform exercise without the reward of vino on the horizon and it's JUST DUMB.

NO. STOP IT. AND ALSO, WHY IS YOUR FRIEND IN A BIKINI???

NO. STOP IT. AND ALSO, WHY IS YOUR FRIEND IN A BIKINI???

We all know the wine would spill, make a complete mess, and that it's dehydrating in nature so it wouldn't even be enjoyable to guzzle mid-burpee or sprint. It's just over-played and on par with the "BUT FIRST COFFEE" and "ROSÉ AND SLAY" shirts that litter our Instagram feeds via paid advertisements and I JUST CAN'T. And speaking of exercise...

I can't...

that I've somehow misplaced my beloved bluetooth earbuds and have had to resort to using my old plug-ins this week. I wasn't too upset about it until 15 minutes into my first workout on this bluetooth-less journey when I was reminded of why I hate plug-ins so much:

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TRASH. COMPLETE TRASH. I can't for the life of me understand why, in 2017, anyone would willingly choose plug-ins over bluetooth. Bluetooth is just as good as plug-in. Bluetooth is just as cute as plug-in. People totally like bluetooth just as much as they like plug-in. WE SHOULD JUST STAB PLUG-INS! (side note: Mean Girls quotes will never not be relevant in everyday life, and it's 13 YEARS OLD). But really. I am obsessed with my bluetooth earbuds. They never fall out, are legitimately noise-cancelling (which can be bad if you're prone to unknowingly grunting/panting loudly during workouts and can't hear yourself (hi)) and, most importantly, THEY DON'T GET ENTANGLED WITH YOUR DAMN NECKLACE AND YANK YOUR BABY NECK HAIRS OUT ALONG WITH IT. Looks like I'll have to reorder my lost ones. Sigh.

I can't...

with how badly the new iOS fucked up my poor, helpless 6s. This little guy and I have been together for two years now. We've seen so much life together; from funny memes and gifs to unwarranted dick pics to a collection of screenshots too big to count, we've been through a lot. I was just trying to be a hip, relevant mom by updating its system. I thought I was helping it, not hurting it. Sure, I've dropped it a countless amount of times over the past two years, but it's never acted like it's been dropped on its head. Now it can barely operate. It moves at a snail's pace, shuts down apps mid-caption writing, and sometimes just does away with the keyboard all together. I've ruined the only thing I've ever loved (besides Cece) and now, I must do what all moms must do when their child is broken — replace it. CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT NEW X THO!

I can't...

with GAP's athleisure and actual athletic garb right now, guys. Their everyday clothes I can take or leave. But I can't seem to stop only taking all else that they're making. I've beaten you over the head the last week with the best sweatshirt known to mankind, but now I need you to know about these fucking joggers (pictured below... WITH the sweatshirt). They're a part of GAP's softspun line, which is basically a line of clothing made from what I can only assume is a mixture of clouds, baby skin, lamb's wool, velvet, cashmere, a puppy's sigh, and a sprinkle of orgasm. I don't imagine I'll be taking them off for the duration of the winter. And the best part? GAP'S ENTIRE WEBSITE IS 40% OFF RIGHT NOW (and 50% off in-store if you can get there). The code word is FRIEND, but I feel like it should be frenemy because that's what I consider GAP when it comes to my bank account. Also, I took smalls in both.

I CAN'T...

that it's going to be back in the 90ºs here in Dallas tomorrow. I know I should be use to our weather's split personality by now (it's been 20 years, after all), but I guess some things you never learn to accept. Should I be surprised that we were teased with a weeks worth of fall-like weather and we're back to summertime temps? No. But am I? Yes. I still act outraged after all this time because I've trained myself to suppress the terrible reality of it for the last two decades. It's truly incredible what the human mind can do. But seriously — FUCK this weather.

I can't...

with 👏 these 👏 boo 👏 ties 👏.

I first saw the Free People ones on an Austin-based fashion blogger who is basically Madewell + Free People's poster child (in the best way possible) and fell in love. Then, I saw the price and took it all back. I told them I just said it because I was trying to make myself feel better and that I was caught up in the moment. I erased our text thread, deleted every Facebook and Instagram post about them, and insisted my friends unfollow them ASAP. Then, I went on the hunt for similar yet way more affordable booties AND FOUND THEM. Plus, they have a heel which automatically makes them cuter than their pricey cousin. I'm so happy I waited for the right pair to come along. I was blinded by my love for the Free People ones, ready to make any excuse or rationalization I could to make them work no matter the price. But I knew in my heart of hearts, something wasn't right and I wasn't wrong. I can't wait to do life with these booties. Keep an eye out — save the dates should be hitting your mailbox soon!

I can't...

with Velvet Taco. I'm not sure how widespread this disgusting taqueria is, but if there's one in your city (or you're a fellow Dallasite), allow me to rant. HOW IS THIS PLACE ALWAYS SO CROWDED? HOW. I AM APPALLED. It's not tacos, you guys. IT'S NOT. Don't argue with me on this one. Putting shrimp 'n' grits INTO a flour tortilla and calling it a taco ISN'T 👏 A 👏 TACO👏. That's just being an asshole who's probably high and thinks mayo is spicy, which makes sense for the 2am crowd who is probably  enough to not know any better and just needs food in whatever form possible right the fuck now. However, this place isn't only crowded at 2am. Oh no. It's crowded at 12pm, 5pm, 7pm. And I 👏 DO 👏 NOT 👏 AGREE 👏 WITH 👏 IT. And just when you think "Oh! Ok. This ONE taco on their menu doesn't sound too bad..." they fuck it up with something completely non-sensical like MUSTARD or FRENCH FRIES. Those aren't tacos. They're you being high in your kitchen at 1am, throwing everything but the kitchen sink into a tortilla, rolling it up, and calling it a taco. It's all a fucking monstrosity, and if you're in that crowd I see almost daily, you should be ashamed.

I can't...

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I can't...

push the most amazing $9 foundation brush anymore than I already have so, instead, I decided to create a separate page here on the blog to house my daily makeup/skincare products so you can refer back to it when necessary! Neat, right?

Ok. That's all I got for now. Have a great rest of the week and make me proud!

xox,

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Emma GoldenComment