Datemares (vol. 3)

Today, I've got four datemares for you guys instead of three because I'm such a good friend. Get ready for premature jewelry, a slew of disturbing compliments, and violation in its worst form (i.e. live video). And be sure to check out Datemares Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 if you haven't already. I promise the stories will make you feel infinitely better about your own dating life.


On date #3, he gifted me a Tiffany's necklace. Why? Because he was so touched that I was concerned over whether or not he orgasmed the weekend before when we had hooked up. He was so nervous when he gave it to me that he knocked over an entire class of wine.

emma's reaction: Wow. So. Ok. It seems this dude had only previously hooked up with chicks who didn't show much interest in whether or not he got off? Which is usually the other way around. So. That's interesting. And over the top. And disconcerting on many levels. I hope you kept the necklace and call it your Cum Necklace. That'd be tight.


I met a wizard-loving gentleman for brunch. He spent the majority of our date debating the pros and cons of vampires vs. wizards and told me my hands looked "flexible." 

emma's reaction: I think we all know wizards are the supreme other being. Like, no contest. What are vampires even? Edward what's it? Tom Cruise (IRL and in fiction)? They suck blood and sleep upside down like bats. WTF even is that? Wizards do fucking magic, bro. THEY HAVE WANDS. Ron, Harry, and Hermione put an end to this debate starting in 1998, and I won't hear another word of it. Maybe *I* need to go on a date with this dude. Then again, he sounds like a virgin who can't drive and is into cosplay.


I had just broken up with a guy I was head over heels with (despite his unfortunate love affair with cut off tees), so I did the logical thing and jumped into online dating. 

My brother swears that if you look directly into a red head's eyes, they'll steal your soul. Nonetheless, I've always had a soft spot for gingers and a particularly non-threatening one popped up on my dating app. He messaged me and immediately asked for my phone number, which I hate to give off the bat but handover anyway. We text for a week or so and decide to meet up. He immediately wants to see me the next day and the next day and the next... So, by day 4, it feels like I'd been seeing this dude for a month which was both strange and super flattering to my recently shattered heart. 

There were many red flags with this guy. I won't get into them all, but in addition to his confusing penchant for all things Abercrombie, his walls were covered with awful paintings he'd done and he also encouraged me to read his self-published book on Amazon. The book, a narcissistic diary entry of a SELF HELP book was literally the most uncomfortable thing I've ever read and discussed his breakups in detail. He also liked to offer up random information about himself that would later turn out to be a complete lie which was puzzling.

So, fast forward to week two of our romance. We're in his bed when he asks if I want to see something cool. He gets his phone out, opens an app, and shows me his phone.

It took me a good ten seconds to realize that I'm staring at my bare ass on a live video feed of his bedroom.  

Needless to say, I was not only horrified but also deeply confused as to why he would ever SHOW ME this. Apparently, he truly thought I would think it was FUNNY (WHAT?). After about five minutes of angry conversation, he literally sighs and says, "This again. Just drop it." Wow. 

So, there's most likely an underwhelming porno of me and a redhead somewhere out there on the internet. You're welcome.

emma's reaction: Are you fucking kidding me? WHAT? HE LIVE STREAMED YOUR HOOKUP AND THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO SHOW YOU??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. What a ginger skeeze. I, too, have a soft spot for red heads and I, too, only have upsetting stories that my soft spot produced. They are oddly intriguing yet horrifying all at once. I'm just so sorry. Imma try and find that porno tho.


A few years back, I matched with this guy named Chase on a dating app. He seemed cool enough, looked cute, and appeared to be tall (based on his description mentioning that he's tall). Not to be shallow, but height is important to me because I'm 5'9". The original plan was to go mini golfing and get a drink after, but I had to work late so we decided to do just dinner instead. 

He picked the restaurant — the ONE restaurant in my city that I hate. But whatever, I'd find something I like there. So I arrive and meet him in the parking lot, and he's extremely overdressed. Like this was a casual burger place, and he was wearing fancy ass leather loafers. And guess what? He had lied about his height. He was shorter than me.

Strike one. 

We sat outside because it was a nice night. We started to look through the menu, and it quickly came up that I was a vegetarian (hence why I didn't want to eat at a burger place), and he got REAL pushy REAL fast about me eating meat. He suggested that I break my 10+ year vegetarian streak and eat a burger every once in a while. He wasn't being facetious — he was dead serious and annoyed that I wouldn't break my diet. At this point, he made his first comment about my weight: "Why are you a vegetarian? You're so skinny." I brushed it off and changed the subject.

Finally, the server came around to get our orders. I found something I could eat on the menu, which came with a side of fries. I ordered first. He then ordered a beer — that was it. He said, "I'll stick with liquid dinner and eat her fries." Now, I'm like Joey on friends — KAYLEE DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! Not on a first date at least, and especially not my fries. 

Strike two.

We hadn't gotten our food yet and I knew it was going to be a long night, so I tried to get to know him more. During this get-to-know-you session, he misquoted "The Office" (my favorite show), said Paul McCartney was the asshole of the Beatles (he is my favorite person in the world), and commented on my weight TWO MORE TIMES. It should be noted that I was wearing a flowy, shapeless top and skinny jeans. You literally would have no idea what size I was just from seeing me in this top. So, finally I said just that: "You have no idea what size I am under this top." 

Him: "Oh I can tell. You have really nice wrists."
Me: "....What?"
Him: "You just have really nice veins."
Me: "...oh, uhhhhh, okay???"
Him: "I can just tell."

Strike three. But our food just arrived, so I was stuck.

So, I ate my gross meal that I hated while he ate all but TWO of my fries as he went on and on about getting blackout drunk and "raging." So hot. As I finished up my food, he asked about going somewhere next for another drink. I nicely told him that I needed to get home since I came there straight from work and just moved that week and needed to continue unpacking. He did the whole "Come on, let's go for just one drink" thing and wouldn't let it go. I firmly told him no, it was not a good night for that. 

After this rejection, his demeanor changed drastically. When the server came over, he demanded "TWO CHECKS, PLEASE!" in the most asshole-y voice. She then took 15 minutes to bring our cards back, and I had to pay for the food that he literally ate off my plate. Cool.

He insisted on walking me to my car and grabbed my hands in the parking lot as I tried to get in my car. He got really close to my face and said, "I'm not going to kiss you. I always kiss girls on the first date, and I'm trying not to be that way. Let's go out again this weekend. Call me to set it up."

I was so uncomfortable that I muttered something like "Yeah, maybe, okay" as he continued to hold my hands and insist I set something up. I finally got out of his grip and was power walking to my car when he yelled after me: "You have a really pretty nose!"

"What???" I shouted back.

"I like to compliment women on features that no one would ever compliment them on. So, I think you have a pretty nose."

AND SCENE. I drove away and immediately called my sister, absolutely horrified. But this made the BEST story at work the next day, and it's still one of my favorite stories to tell because WTF.

emma's reaction: There's a lot going on in this story, but what I'm focusing on hardest is the fact that HE told YOU to set up your next date. After insulting you multiple times, EATING ALL YOUR FRIES WHICH HONESTLY I WOULD'VE LEFT, splitting the check with you, and complimenting you on the weirdest and creepiest attributes ever. I hate him and wish I could send you a french fry bouquet. I'm gonna look into it.

So, what did we learn here today?

1: A little showcase of concern can go a long way in terms of building up your jewelry collection.

2: Flexible hands turn on both vampires AND wizards, so... watch the fuck out.

3: Redheads cannot be trusted (but we already knew that).

4: Fries before guys was literally originated on of this date.

Until next time...