when it comes to being single...

the other week i had an epiphany when it comes to being single. essentially, there are three different types of humans i believe can be separated into three different generalized groups when we're on the prowl. here is my breakdown:

group 1: cuties.

(i know. i coped out and used zooey for this. but i mean hey) everyone appreciates a cute person and "cute" meaning like... that's it. they're cute. like "aw, she's cute." or "yeahhh, he's a cutie!" you don't nececssarily feel your genitals magnetically pulling you toward them when they walk by, but you can see that they're by no means ugly and they usually smell like shampoo or something non-threatening and effortless. you can't really imagine getting frisky with them because they are too cute to ever come off as feisty or sexual. you don't yearn for them. you don't really think much about them unless you see them. they're not anything TOO amazing to make that serious of an impression in your mind. you respect their cuteness but only to a certain degree. BUT HEY! they're cute. aw.

group 2: sexy fuckyeahs


(because i, too, wear diamonds with my bikinis) when your eyes lay on these types, your insides quiver. you have no desire to do anything but stare and imagine them naked. side note: when i first heard the phrase "undressing them with your eyes," i can't tell you how confused i was. i didn't understand. how would i be able to undress someone with my eyes if i had no idea what type of under garments they were wearing or how their body looked naked? that's ludicrous! years later, i realized what it meant and i'm unashamed to say i do it, and i do it A LOT. especially with the sexy fuckyeah specimen. someone so fucking hot, you're in awe. look at her boobs. look at his chest. i want to go to there and by "there" i mean my bed. with them. they're probably dumb or have a terrible personality or a shitty job or cheated on every boyfriend and girlfriend they ever had or a sense of humor similar to that of a dentist, but BY GOD what you wouldn't give to touch them. "thank you," you want to say to them for every time you've had sexual thoughts involving them. sexy fuckyeahs. mmmmmmmmm baby.

group 3: i need to know you's

(never let go) this is the one everyone aspires to. this is what we all want and try to coerce the "cuties" and "sexy fuckyeahs" into. that feeling of WHO is that and HOW can i be with them? unfortunately, this is the rarest of all and comes with no guarantee. i can count the number of times i've felt this on one hand and guess what? this bitch is still single. however, it may or may not be the best feeling in the world. when you completely surpass those "aw cute!" and "um can we bone?" feelings and immediately are smacked in the mouth with "HELLO SOULMATE MAYBE?" it overtakes you. you don't know what it is (besides the initial physical attraction... let's be honest), but this person has something you need to know and you need to know RIGHT NOW. you can already tell you'd be completely fine just sitting, talking and staring at them for an entire night. you'd give up carbs for them. listen to weird music and pretend you loved it for them. anything just to be in their presence so you could figure out if these insane, retardedly obsessive feelings you were experiencing were worth it or not. like i said, this, my friends, is the rarest group of them all - these "i need to know you's." so, when you feel them, hold onto that shit for dear life and ride it out because you didn't feel that surge of intensity for no reason. the universe works in mysterious ways...

- emma

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