9 Things That Change When You Go From Being Single to Being a Girlfriend
Life is about adapting, right? It's about change and new experiences and switching up routines to keep things fresh. Well, one of the biggest routine switch-ups is when you go from being a perpetually single gal to a girlfriend. No matter how long you've been going it alone -- be it a week or multiple years -- the shock of transforming from your mildly disgusting single self into this foreign "girlfriend" role can be a lot to swallow (insert tasteless joke here) (insert another tasteless joke about using the word "tasteless" so close to "swallow" here).
Here are some undeniable truths about the shock of becoming involved in a committed, monogamous relationship:
1. You shower. So. Much. I've written 100 times before about my pride when it comes to how long I've gone without showering my body and hair (I'm so sorry current bf). I'm aware of what a disgusting turn-off that is, but so? Being single and living alone means not having to smell good or keep respectable personal hygiene habits for anyone. The only person who knows how foul I really am is me and my dog (and she likes it). But get a boyfriend and watch in bewilderment as he quickly creates a showering monster out of you in an impressively short amount of time. Sometimes, you shower twice a day - an act you had thought to be illegal in the US up until now. Your smelling sensitivity becomes heightened, and you leave nothing to question anymore. Constantly looking/smelling FRESH is imperative.
2. You shave all the time. Since you're showering all the time now anyway and, because we all know there's at least a 6 month to a year long "always freshly shaved" illusion to uphold in a new relationship, you're always shaving. Sometimes, you feel like you're never not shaving. And just when you think you couldn't possibly have to shave again, you do. You have to. Days spent laughing about the length of your leg hair are over when you enter into a consistent, solid relationship. One day, a long time from now if you are still with your new boyfriend, you two will be able to laugh at the disgusting length of your leg hair. He'll joke about how it keeps you warm during winter, and still bone you anyway. But this joking won't be for a long while, so stock up on razors now so you never have to question if you have backups.
3. You sleep better and worse. Better because he's next to you (mostly on weekends at first, of course), but worse because he snores. Or hogs covers. Or sleeps diagonally, forcing you to the very edge of the bed every single time you guys bunk together. Or perhaps he's an angel and you're the terrible sleeping partner. Either way, you've been reigning queen in your comfort zone for a while now, so allowing someone to crawl in there with you and fart and snore and move around and spoon you is... well. Awesome usually.
4. You watch shoot 'em up movies. Or nerdy movies. Or super boring documentaries. Because you have to. Because if you ever want him to watch Rom-Coms or "Mean Girls" with you, you have to put in your time and ammo saved up.
5. You're fat. Just when you were getting into the groove of the gym, finding your workout rhythm and nailing down a solid cardio routine, this dick came along and ruined EVERYTHING. He just had to get all up in your face, telling you things like "You're so hot," "God, you're beautiful," "You look so amazing" which obviously resulted in you buying a one-way ticket to "FUCK IT!" town. Once he has inspected, touched, and then solidified his approval of your naked body, skipping the gym 1, 2, 3 times a week seems reasonable. Once he's seen you in a number of positions without clothes on, you throw whatever health-conscience dignity you had left to the wind. Drinking casual weeknight beers and laughing heartily over french fries and fried mac 'n' cheese balls is your new normal. Eating two slices of the frozen pizza he made for dinner after you had already eaten dinner before going to his place is disgusting... and very real.
6. You think about them. Like, how their day was. Or if they need JetDry. Or if did or didn't they pack a lunch today? You went from literally only caring about your own self-absorbed drama and whether or not your dog is acting pissy toward you today, and you now concern yourself with their whereabouts and their concerns. Ya know why? Because their mood becomes your mood, which can be glorious or horrifying.
7. You start thinking in terms of "we." Ew, right? I know. As perpetually single women, it can be hard sometimes to make that transition from me, myself and I to "we" or "us." But it happens, and when it's the right person, it happens really fast, too. You'll be at breakfast when suddenly one of you will ask out loud, "Did we want to see a movie today?" And your world will change.
8. You'll be those people you've always hated. That lovey-dovey couple who laugh quietly to themselves and kiss and hold hands and are never not touching. And then you'll hate yourself for ever hating those people and being a bitter wench.
9. People won't believe you. You've been the perpetually single girl for so long, having a boyfriend will come as a shock to many. They'll question what this means for your work and their entertainment. But just comfort them and say "I'm still the same me. I'll still find funny stuff to write about. Not everything is about being single, ya know?" They know you're lying and you know it, too, but it's a temporary comfort at least.