the worst date i've ever had

  *DISCLAIMER, 1/27/15: for some reason unbeknownst to me, I didn't bother to include the absolute most awful part of this date. the dude had his arm around me for the entirety of the movie, and every time I laughed out loud (we were seeing "Ted," so there was a lot of LOLing), HE COVERED MY MOUTH WITH HIS HAND. WHAT IS MY LIFE. ok, read on.*

allow me to share with you the worst date i've ever had.

now just know going into this that, yes, i realize there have been MUCH worse dates in the history of dating involving vomit, diarrhea, horrible sex - the list, i'm sure, is endless. after reading this diatribe about the tale of the worst date i've ever been lucky enough to partake in, you may think to yourself "wtf. this wasn't even that bad." and here's what i have to say to you about that:


to date, this was my most unfortunate adventure thus far in this "scene" we call dating. whatever the fuck that is.

so, i met this guy. at a dog park. AWW, i know. SO cute, right? kind of like a movie. i was there with my sister and her dog and suddenly i was being chatted up by this dude. he was super pretty: tall, dark, handsome and built like a greek god - in other words, not at all my usual type. he got my number, i doubted he'd actually call or text, and that was that.

well low and fucking behold, he did text and we set up a "wanna grab a drink this week?" kinda date for the following week. his lack of texting finesse sort of rubbed me the wrong way (ya know - a lot of "lol" and "jk." this guy clearly wasn't privvy to the fact that texts are pretty much the ultimate key to my otherwise locked up chastity belt if you text well. not his fault), but i decided to not be a picky bitch and dock him points quite yet.

the only real red flag of the first date was the fact that he texted me "i'm outside. in a mazda. my new car isn't ready yet." ..... i mean i drive a KIA, so...? it was just that follow up explanatory sentence after stating the make of the car that threw me. little did this guy know, i probably rank "type of car" as the very last thing on my check list when it comes to men. but, again, i shrugged it off.

now, i know you're not expecting me to say this, but the first date was phenomenal. just drinks turned into just a whole lot of FUN. we bar hopped to a few places, laughed the entire time, had great conversation and there was never an awkward moment. it was as good as one could hope for a first date. we even made out at my front door (SCANDAL!!!) and it was the best thing that's happened to me since bandeau bras. i hadn't been kissed like that for a while: i'm talking hair-grabbing, butt groping, beingpushedupagainstthefrontdoor good. WHEW. i can't.

but then, things took a turn for the absolute worst. i realized i had immacuately concepted his child through our makeout and had to tell him i was pregnant.


he asked me on a second date, but not just any second date - a FRIDAY NIGHT date. i was upgraded quickly in his book after that makeout sesh. however, the entire day of the date, all we did was figure out the date. there was so much back and forth, questions of where we should go, did i wanna drive to him? (FUCK NO. DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO THAT), what time? i'm not a patient person when it comes to indecisiveness. i just want a dude to come into my life, say "this is how it's gonna be," and i say "okay."

so, once we finally figured everything out, i tried to focus on getting excited about our night.

he showed up thirty minutes late. thirty minutes late to a second date - no explanation, no apology, nothing. literally texted me "come down!" a half hour past our agreed date time and showed no signs of realizing he had fucked up. i breathed heavily and opened my front door to make my march downstairs and that's when i heard it.


i'm talking "BOOMBOOMBOOM MY HEART IS ON FIRE, FILLED WITH DESIRE" house music. it was so irrationally loud, i couldn't believe it was happening. "that can't be his car," i thought. "if it is, i don't know what i'm gonna do." but it was. it was his car and not his mazda either - his brand new infiniti g5 - in BLUE.

"hey buddy!" he greeted me with a hug. BUDDY?

 i got in his car and immediately texted my best friend "i hate him."

"SO, where we going?" he asked. no plan. nothing. after all of that back and forth for the better half of the day, he still was unable to pull anything out of his ass.

"i don't care!" i responded with as much fake chipper cheer one could muster.

"you hungry?"


"oh no. i already ate."

"ugh! YOU SUCK!" i was on a date with a 16-year-old in a 26-year-old's body.

he ended up taking us to KONA grill. have you ever been to KONA grill? i have. and ya know what? I HATE IT. but that's not even the main issue here - the main issue is that he took me to a goddamn chain restaurant in the motherfucking mall. NO, REALLY. I WAS ON A DATE WITH A 16-YEAR-OLD.

i was horrified and almost instantly shut down. KONA had many black patrons there that night for whatever reason, and this dude (WHO ISN'T WHITE) made the comment "damn, it's dark in here" three times. the more he opened his mouth, the more i wanted to punch it.

then shit got a lot worse.

we approached the bar inside. since he was the only one eating out of the two us, we decided to sit in the bar area. "you want a drink?" he asked me. "vodka soda, right?" WOW - he actually paid attention during date #1. i feel a bit relieved inside knowing i will soon be cradling my favorite drink and feeling not so sober. "WAIT!" he exclaimed. "isn't reverse happy hour starting soon?" the guy in front of him answered, "yeah, dude. in like 15 minutes." my date proceeded to TOSS the drink menu out of his hand onto the countertop, while saying "well, we're waiting then." turns to me: "not because i'm cheap!"

i wanted to die. i wanted to protest the entire situation by sitting down on the floor right there with a sign that said "I'M ON A DATE WITH A 16-YEAR-OLD WHO JUST BLATANTLY ADMITTED HE'S CHEAP AS FUCK."

we get a table in the bar and he immediately grabs the reverse happy hour drink menu. "what looks good on here?" my response? "wait, so i'm REALLY not allowed to order a vodka soda?" he fake laughs. "what?!!? that's like double the price of these drinks! nah, i'm kidding. of course you can."

i order the $4 margarita all the while plotting his ultimate demise in my head.

conversation is terrible. i mean, how are you supposed to talk to someone when all you really wanna do is throw your drink in their face? he asks me if i played sports when i was younger. nope. i didn't. i tried every single one and failed at all of them. "but you have a really athletic body." "i mean, i workout?" "no, no. there has to be a base for that." "WELP. don't know what to tell ya. i was in plays. so." "oh..." he makes an awkward, disgusted face.

on our way to the movie, he thought out loud: "man, we're just gonna make it. i may drop you in front and have you grab the tickets and i'll meet you inside." NO, this did not happen. but had it... i would've tucked and rolled out of the car on to the highway. the amount of relief i felt that i didn't have to speak to him during the movie is indescribable. as the credits rolled,  i did my absolute best fake yawn/stretch and said "man, i'm so tired. i need to go home and get in bed." this floored him. "are you serious? we were supposed to go out after this..." "ugh, i know. but hey! we went out for a little before!" in a last-ditch effort and probably hoping i was kidding, he asked "so where are we going?" as we climbed into his car after the movie. AGAIN - NO PLAN. but, i didn't give a shit. i had already ditched this date two hours ago. "no, i'm serious. i really do need to go home. i'm just so sleepy." he was in shock.

he dropped me off. i kissed him good-bye (cause i felt like it. i have needs, whatever). he looked at me like he wanted to kill me. and i walked upstairs.

5 minutes later, i ran down to my car, got in it, and met my friends out to end my terrifying night.

i haven't heard from him since.

you win some, you lose most. amiright or amiright? at least i tried and got some groping out of the deal. that's all a girl can really ask for nowadays, it seems.

get your shit together, guys. i'm begging you. until then, i'll just be over here on my couch waiting it out.

- emma


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