chocolate VS. vanilla

Up until now, I have always been a chocolate kind of girl. From the first time I was ever handed a cone of ice cream, my answer to what flavor I wanted was never-faltering: “CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!” If you were offering me cake, chocolate. If you were making me cupcakes, chocolate. If you were drawing a bath for me, A BATH OF CHOCOLATE. However, as of late, I’ve realized… I’m sick of chocolate.

In the world of dating and relationships in your 20s, shit is cray. You’re changing so much internally (and externally what with the total failure of your metabolic system around age 24) during this time period that you can’t trust your own judgment  to the point of realizing you’ve been dating a girl for 8 months when all along you thought you were with a Ryan Gosling look alike. Sometimes it can feel like it's letdown after letdown, with no end in sight. You want to swear off the opposite sex for good until the love of your life knocks on your door and whisks you away to the alter before you even have time to shave your legs and bleach your 'stache. Yet, all of these shitcray sitches teach you lessons on what you like, what you don’t like, what you absolutely cannot stand, what you absolutely need, and most of all, how to realize a relationshippy situation for what it is and get the hell out before it's too late.

Here’s what I’ve learned, from my personal experience.

There are two types of dudes.

Chocolate and Vanilla.

I’ve pretty much only ever dated chocolate. And by chocolate I mean has “edge.” And by “edge” I mean has “bad boy” personality. And by “bad boy” personality I mean has "issues that they cover-up with said edge and bad boy personality.”

If you’re questioning whether or not you’ve ever indulged in this chocolate I speak of, here is a checklist. If you recognize 2 or more of these traits in someone you have dated, you have DEFINITELY had some serious chocolate in your life:

-          Has tattoos. And not just small tattoos, but big statement tattoos either on their chest, backs or arms

-          Comes from a HIGHLY dysfunctional family or refers to himself as the “black sheep” of the family

-          Didn’t finish college

-          Barely finished high school

-          Has stories of his youth where he got in serious trouble for drugs, violence, failing, etc.

-          Still indulges in drugs.  Could be considered a legitimate “pothead," dabbles in "molly," and likes to roll, snort and experiment in general. Still.

-          Has a large, rowdy group of friends

-          Loves vodka and redbull and claims it's "his" drink

-          Drives a super nice car and talks about his super nice car often

-          Has no money

-          Has too much money that he spends on extravagant things (i.e. bottle service, going to Vegas)

-          Goes to Vegas on the reg

-          Is obsessed with you initially and lets it fade way too WAY TOO fast

-          Never pays for anything

-          Smokes cigs

-          Is “dark” and elusive and a challenge for you to make better and happier. He had a troubled past and YOU’RE the girl who’s going to change him for good and he’s going to fall madly in love with you because of it

-          You consider him really, really hot, therefore when he messes up, it’s okay because at least you get to have sex with him

We’re all innately attracted to assholes. Please. Don’t try to deny it. We all want that "edge" - that dark something that we ache to figure out and what drives us insane but what also keeps us around. If you put sex explosion Tom Hardy behind the left door and nice guy Michael Cera behind the right door, I’m barreling through that left door with my pants down around my ankles, arms extended, ready to be taken (mmm, taken. Liam Neeson). It’s true that “nice guys finish last.” And that’s because a) they are more concerned about getting you off first and b) you have to satisfy that desire for chocolate before you can move on to the undiscovered glory that is vanilla. Vanilla is nice guys. Nice guys is vanilla.

And you’ll get there, you will. I will. We will. I have faith. No one can have THAT much chocolate and not be sick to their stomach over it. There comes a point where the amount of chocolate you’ve exposed yourself to over the years makes you fat, depressed and broken out regardless if it was milk, dark, extra dark, bittersweet, semi-sweet or in powder form. You grow tired of how sad and empty the chocolate makes you feel and wonder what else is out there? Are ALL guys chocolate? It can't be. You can't date sorbet - too fruity. Rocky Road is the worst kind of chocolate what with all those “extras” (marshmellows, nuts, etc). I like cookies and cream, but I feel like the cookies to cream ratio is still too much chocolate and could end  in tears too easily.

I want vanilla. But not just plain vanilla, no. Nobody really ever wants PLAIN vanilla. It’s too boring. Where’s the fun in a glass bowl of straight up plain vanil' ‘scream? The vanilla has gotta have some pizazz. Be it sprinkles or caramel sauce, the vanilla has to be accompanied with something else – because that’s vanilla's edge. Vanilla says:

Chocolate is too unstable, too shaky. It looks and tastes so delicious at first – you’re obsessed. Will chocolate call or text you back? Why does he seem so present when he's in front of you and disappears all together when he leaves your place? Will he ever take you on a real date? Will he pay for it and expect nothing in return? Will he spend the night gladly and with ease and cuddle you in the morning? Does he have more than three outfits he rotates? Why are your fights so intense and why do you feel the extreme urge to physical assault him during said fights? Is this normal? Is this what you call "passion"? Once you experience enough cups, bowls, pints, GALLONS of chocolate, you never want to see that shit again. It's beaten you up one side and down the other and you finally realize it's either vanilla or bust.

I'm ready for vanilla. Simple, straight-laced, straight forward vanilla. And my ideal vanilla? Rainbow sprinkles and crushed oreos on top with just a smidge of hot fudge. He knows how to keep it interesting and pushes my happy buttons, but underneath his small bit of "edge" is just a big ol' mound of stable, reliable, wondrous vanilla. And imma lick that shit UP.

However, in the interim before your vanilla comes along, it's totally okay to make out with a shitload of chocolate. Just be careful when it comes to ever referring to another chocolate as your boyfriend. Homie don't deserve the title. But he DOES deserve you letting him kiss your face. And maybe buying you a milkshake or something. A VANILLA milkshake with a cherry on top.... ;)

Indulge on,